Monday, December 18, 2006

Don't say I never gave you anything...

This blog entry is dedicated to Mr. Anonymous that asked for a new entry on 12/11….thanks for reading, I had one in the works, but I wrote this bonus one just for you…and let the record show that I am not a complete asshole (well not all the time anyway)

Cooprdog’s director gift buying guide.

Ok so.. I know that some of you are dating, or fucking or planning to seduce a director for the holidays and you have no idea what gifts to give in exchange for the right to treat their body like a hotel room. Well fear not, I am here to let you know what’s cool and what’s wac so that you can have a happy holiday season and wind up getting your brains fucked out.

Ok here are the basic rules. Gifts that help us to become more creativity are awesome, gifts that remind us that we are several light years from our stated goal are total fuckin’ shit and should be avoided at all costs. Now you are wondering what kind of a gift would reminder a filmmaker that they have a long way to go, well here is a partial list.

1) A calendar: C’mon who needs to be reminded that there are 340 days of sunshine in LA and we sat on our asses for most of them when we could have been shooting. If this gift is purchased the best you can hope for is excessive drinking and mood swings – trust me on this.

2) Anything related to a bank account (new check book case, new checks, a wallet): All that shit just reminds us that we are fuckin’ broke and that when most people have been saving money for their retirement, we’ve been spending it…like it’s a contest.

3) Furniture: This is a reminder that outside of production design that directors have no taste, and that you don’t yet own a house nice enough for nice furniture…someone will get punched out if a large piece of furniture is received.

4) Really nice professional or evening clothes: Ok, sounds crazy, but all this means is that you never win awards at festivals – which is why you don’t care what you look like, ‘cause you ain’t getting near the stage to accept any award. This one will be greeted with bitter silence.

5) Shelving or artwork that is designed to hold DVD cases: Yeah nice present for all the films that I haven’t shot yet. This is a particularly shitty gift. I mean why did you even bring it up? Fuck you!

6) A Laptop: What are you saying? That I need to write more? What you think screenwriting is like baking fucking cookies. You know what fuck you and fuck the holidays!

7) Director’s chair: Oh what you think my chances of getting in the chair are so unrealistic that you bought me my own chair? What the fuck is that? I find your lack of faith disturbing and I hope you get a pimple in the crack of your ass!

8) New Celli/PDA: Great so now I have 10 million anytime minutes and unlimited text messaging just waiting to make deal with contacts that I don’t have. I mean just putting my 3 friends in the phone book is going to depress me. Jesus you really hate me don’t you!

9) Books about filmmaking: Ok if you are a filmmaker and you read, you might be able to buy a filmmaker a book about filmmaking and not completely offend them. But who wants a reminder that they are a hack? And an uninformed hack at that. Or even worse you are suggesting that I need to think about crossing over to academia and leaving production altogether “you’re still working in film, just not with film”…fuck you…we are getting a divorce….and I fucked your sister on our wedding night!

10) A class of any type: First of all if I liked going to class I’d have went to law school so thanks for bringing that up. And have you considered that maybe I am a visionary, maybe the books about what I do have yet to be written. Have you thought about that? You are so fuckin’ selfish…see this is why I can’t shoot my feature, I have no artistic support. …..this is a poisonous relationship and I think we should see other people…but I am keeping all your CD’s cause you never really listen to them anyway.

Ok so you can see where those gifts are going to lead you, now if you are lookin’ to dump, humiliate or other ways facilitate your freedom from a relationship with a filmmaker, then have at it. But if you do really like this filmmaker in your life here is some cheap and efficient holidays gifts.

1) Sex Toys: Now I’m not suggesting that all you need to do is get a vibrator and wrap it and you are in the hall of fame (I mean that would only fly if she was a porno star and if she’s a porno star why are you bothering with things like presents?)…but if this is one of many gifts you can’t go wrong. Nothing says “I think you have a creative future”..like toys that make you want to fuck me. FYI this is not a good time to introduce anal toys…it’ll seem like the whole filmmaking thing is just a ploy to put it in her ass (which may very well be true…but you don’t have to just come at it like that)

2) A stopwatch: I know it seems weird. But directors are obsessed with timing things (scenes, sequences, their partners orgasms) and things they carry with them when they “do the work”.

3) Radio control cars: Directors are control freaks so they love R/C cars. And you can suggest that they “block” their stunt driving sequences….this is a winner.

4) Pictures of you in your panties: Trust me… you shoot 36 exposures of your sexy ass in your panties just for the director you know…..he’ll be putty. We are voyeurs by nature so…this is a very personal and intimate gift.

5) Memorabilia from his favorite film or TV show: I’m telling you, if he’s a big Bionic Man fan…and you find an Bionic Man action figure…he’ll cry he’ll be so happy.

6) A CD-printer: Ok so if you aren’t a filmmaker or a musician you probably don’t know what the fuck a CD printer is…but it’s a little device that you can buy at staples or Office Depot that you connect to your PC via USB and it gives you the ability to print somewhat professional lookin’ CD’s at home. Now chances are he’ll begin bootleggin’ all the cool shit he owns, but he might just get inspired and create some new media. This is a cool gift.

7) The Studio Report: Film Development: Yeah I know that you have no idea what this is, but it’s a compilation of all the films that went into development in the last 2 years, and the things is only $20 if you buy it off their site (Hollywood Creative Directory). This will get you lots of oral sex if you buy this.

8) A drafting Table: Look, storyboarding and blocking takes a lot of time and drawing, which we lazy directors hate. But if you were to say buy a drafting table with a T-Square and cool pencils….that’s a nice kick in the ass…and it’s a cool piece of furniture. It’ll set you back about $200 with the chair…but it’s a nice gift.

9) A director themed T-shirt: Now this means t-shirts that say things like “me management, you labor” or “It’s not that I don’t think you are talented, it’s just that I don’t give a fuck what you think”. These shirts aren’t as hard to find as you might think… just poke around in google.

10) Ten 3X5 cards with a favor (sexual or otherwise) written on them: I would suggest cards that say things like “read the new version of my screenplay” or “lube my cock up with baby oil and tell me I am bad while you spank it from behind me” – (ok maybe that’s just my fantasy).. but you get the point..

ok..happy shopping and remember it’s a full contact sport so knocking someone’s grandma on her ass is accepted if it’s in competition for a good gift. Now get out there and hit somebody.

COOPRDOG

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