Friday, September 21, 2007

The present state of things….

My life is in a shambles, it truly is. In about 10 days I’m participating in a screening called Cinema Urgency. It was supposed to be four short filmmakers, showing their films and then a professional roundtable about financing with all our money people. It not only came up with the idea for this, but I produced it. I should be walking around on cloud 9, about to receive some checks from some EP’s. But, that’s not the feelings I’m having right now. For starters one of my filmmakers just bailed. It’s really amazing, I mean I say a lot of things about filmmakers, but I really cannot nor will not understand how a filmmaker, any filmmaker, can forgo screening their film. What is more important than screening? What is more important than funding your feature? How we become that arrogant, that drunk with artistic license that we believe that screenings are “optional”….you’re fucking kidding me right? Let me say this loud and clear: filmmakers who have other major artistic concerns than getting their feature made have the wrong priorities….and to the aforementioned filmmaker….you can freelance for the rest of your life, till time comes to a standstill…but your opportunity to shoot your first feature is a small window at best…but I digress.

I’m concerned about what I will do if none of my money people show up. I posed this question to a fellow filmmaker who told me that I was “thinking negative”. I chuckled to myself that we are supposed to be such disillusioned cheerleaders with blind faith in the process. As if all I had to do was think positive. I have always rejected this approach and especially in filmmaking.

Maybe it is because of my atheism, maybe it’s my fundamental distrust of authority figures…who knows? But I do know one thing, and that is that all the shit that I’ve been doing to sell this short around the planet and to get my feature made is not really going to mean much. Either the people come, or they don’t…it’s that simple. There is no time for conjecture, for “just think positive”… and … “if it’s meant to be, it will be”.

I think that is the height of absurdity. I have been successful thus far in my film ventures because I have had an implicit understanding of what I stood to gain, and what the downside risks are of any gamble I’ve taken since I had the idea to go for it. This screening is no different. I have to stack the deck, I have to have a B-team or something to come and see me. I can’t be confident that any of these guys will show. I mean they all say that they love the feature…and that they love my “approach” to film. But does that really mean anything?....needless to say I have to pull something out of my ass to make this happen. I’m days away and I don’t feel confident.

But I can’t even trip on that…because I am about to start a UK tour. That’s right kids… 14 days in England. Drinking pints, playing darts, getting’ cheeki…the whole 9. I am of course deathly terrified that I’m not going to maximize this trip, that I’m just wasting my money. So I’ve been on the keyboard every night, looking for screening opportunities. I’ve sent something like 75 emails in the last 50 hours.

This is my life, falling asleep with an earpiece in…waiting till 4am to start an email volley…and then there is the lack of eating. I’ve convinced myself that film is more important that life, so I’m know to starve myself till I complete certain tasks…but then I feel guilty if I complete the tasks in less time than I anticipated…so I don’t eat…to be fair.

This obsessive compulsive behavior is all that I exhibit before I screen. And as the film is more successful, the more I do this sort of thing. This is what I face every single day.

But this is small potato’s, I’m about to start a tour for something like 40 days. I’m going to Phoenix then Kendal, England then London, England then Philadelphia, then DC, then back to LA, then to Portland, Oregon. I’ve been hustling like mad to make shit happen and I’m happy to report that I’m screening three times in the first 6 days I’m in the UK. Shit, I might even go to Amsterdam and fuck some hoe’s (I mean find a nice woman to bring home to mom). I’m kidding, I really not going to fly all the way to London and then waste my time in Amsterdam smoking weed and acting stupid… this is a real tour God damn it!

So, I should be really happy right? I’ve got a VIP screening in 8 days, I’m leaving the country…I met some young chick with big titties who lets me play with them (ok, she drinks a lot and has a tendency to pass out… but if she willingly gets incapacitated in my apartment…then that’s like the same thing as lettin’ me touch them…isn’t it?)

But I’m not happy, I’m spastic. The more I do, the more I have to do. If I go to the UK and all of my screenings are a success…then I’ll need to up the stakes, I’ll need to plan to go to France and conquer Cannes and all that shit.

The more I do, the more unhappy I am, I hate being a filmmaker.

Ok…that’s not true. I love filmmaking. I love having relationships that self-destruct like castles made of sand. I like that negative balance in my checking account. I like how no matter what happens in my life.. it’s not good enough…

…why and I doing this again?



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