You know who you are

Of all the things that upset me when it comes to being a filmmaker, the single one thing that I utterly and truly despise is the infinite number of sites and spam emails that are a waste of time. As a filmmaker time is of the essence. It is how I measure the distance I have traveled, the prowess of my fuckstick and the number of takes I can rip off before the 1st AD hits me with the Tazer.

Therefore, I don’t really have time to dick-around with you spoof –email-sendin’, un-updated website maintaining, ridiculous reason to attempt to get me to refinance a house that I don’t own, self-congratulatory-“hey look what I did”- bogus film group email blast masquerading as a press release, unsolicited advice from a so-called industry veteran and professional who’s true accolades simply amount to winning a contest, that you didn’t even know about, let alone lament the loss of it’s title to said individual…when, on the reals…if you had have know about this contest beforehand you probably still wouldn’t have applied but cause when it’s all said and done….winning a contest has absolutely-fucking-nothing to do with getting your feature financed…so why the fuck are you people still applying?

Ok, that was rude, I’m sorry (yeah, whatever)…but this all has to stop. I am ordering you to stop sending me all this bullshit and I know you can fuckin’ hear me.

Ok… maybe they can’t …but they are listening (you know they’re fuckin’ listenin’)…so I’m going to give you a little information on who to avoid in the cyber universe cause they have nothing but bullshit to sell you.

Here we go:

[FilmmakingIndependently]@yahoogroups.com: Man do I hate you motherfuckers! Now, to be completely honest, I am quite sure that when I joined this group I was drunk and high and masturbating; and consequently this is just another one of my major lapses in judgment coming back to bite me in the ass….but I ain’t here to talk about that. I’m here to talk about the utter and complete waste of time that this group is.

Why is there never a legitimate email from the group? I mean never. I’ve been a member for like 4 years and I’ve never heard advice or been invited to a seminar or anything, and now I’m gettin’ porn in these email blasts. Not that I’m complaining about gratuitous shots of bad girls who just don’t listen…but I like things to be in there place. I mean like if I went to the bank to deposit my paycheck and in one of the little boxes under the glass table was a stack of porn….that’d just wouldn’t work.

…actually, that’s a horrible example because that would be the greatest bank ever (you’d be be savin’ hella money up in that bitch). Anyway, hey group – what is your deal? I mean [FilmmakingIndependently]@yahoogroups.com you are a whore for spammers and have allegiances to the worst filmmakers. Seriously, we all know these guys, and if you don’t.. well you are about to find out.

Jim Williams AKA industry whore: Why do you continually send me spam about Tim Greene and Tim Greene films? This is the “Hip-hop” filmmaker cat that is Mr. Self-publicity...and Tim, if you are reading this….do me a favor…shoot more and advertise less. I mean what is your deal? How did I get on this mailing list? I don’t like kids, I don’t like Mini-DV (I really love your publicity photos have you standing in front of a 35MM set up… do you shoot 35? Have you shot 35?....since I am quite positive that the answer is no…stop all your frontin’. Yeah, yeah I know you have 318K hits on your webpage….but that’s really an awful page… I mean your colors don’t even work and would it kill you to hire a web designer? The cut and past philosophy makes you look…..hmm what’s the word…ah, yes…..unprofessional.

Also I would like to ask you to leave me the fuck out of this. I mean I peep your game…ads on Craigslist…speaking to people outside of the industry so they’ll direct all their fanatical industry admiration on you…getting local TV personalities to interview you since you have an emphasis on kids and non-actors….c’mon dog… that is not the way. And if it is the way…I still don’t want to hear about it.

Tim I’ve met you (at the Tribeca All- Access information session at CAA). Yeah I know you don’t remember me because you were so busy handing out individual DVD’s that didn’t even have so much as a jewel case around them, let alone an Amary case and an 8.5”X11” color copy that was some type of one-sheet. That’s an amazing presentation by-the-way. I can see why your films are distributed in 18 countries…you are a genius…though you might want to figure out a way to keep your finger prints off the back of the fucking DVD so it doesn’t spin endlessly as the drive tries to read the image (not that you shoot pretty images or anything). You are a menace in the cyberworld of filmmaking and you are public enemy number one.

Another one of Jim’s friends is this filmmaker known as Tex. He shoots mini-DV horror with scantily clad narratives..(well, at least that’s what in every fucking email) and he’s one of these guys that’s shot like 50 films.. and everyone of them sucks. But Tex, the one thing I really hate about you is all these fucking emoticons that you embed in these emails…are you a 14 year old school girl. Like I need a smiley face in a fuckin’ pirate hat waving around a goddamn sword, to jump around to get my attention? Are you for real? I bet you only eat at restaurants that use those huge white sheets of paper as a table cloth and give you crayons to doodle with …till your food arrives. Yes Tex, this is what you have become…the Spaghetti Warehouse of filmmaking…If I were you I’d kill myself.

So I get so many of these fuckin’ emails that I actually read them just to make fun of the people in them. I even went to our “site” and looked to see who was in the group. There are 208 people in this filmmaking group more than half have blocked the email from getting to them (it actually shows you who’s email is bouncing so you’ll know exactly who to spam). What is this organized time wasting? All of you should be shot.. and I’m talking about Tim Greene, Jim Williams, Tex, GigList, BlueCat screenplay competition, Skinny Corleone (dude.. I really hate your name and your ad’s), Russell Nohelty (dude you’ve been recruiting SFX artists since the 80’s), Kenny Love (yeah we know you have works available for writers and directors to adapt….how about just writing a script and shopping it around you lazy motherfucker!)

If you come across [FilmmakingIndependently]@yahoogroups.com run like hell… they are a colossal waste of time and nothing good can come from interaction with them.

Jerrold LeBarron from InkTip: Ok, I have absolutely no idea how or why I joined this group, but I’ve been a member of InkTip since 2000. InkTip screenwriters apparently have a lot of their scripts sold and produced. Well this is what Jerrold Claims…but what his site/magazine/ponzi scheme really is, is a platform for him to espouse traditional screenwriting bullshit. That’s right kids, it’s all about those little tips he sends you, about how to make your story better. Their grooming you like a pot plant. I have an adversarial relationship with them. I written at least three snarky emails about “the man and his influence on screenwriting”. They are always very nice as they explain to me than many screenwriters find the email useful….it’s a cult I tell you….run away…run away!

Film Festival news: Really pretty emails that I never fucking read. Cause I could give a fuck about a festival that I ain’t playin’. Exotic, in-another-country, look-at-what-the-fuck-you-ain’t-doin’….industry masturbation. And of course it’s like monochrome, static camera, subtitled, “oh I love how he uses the shadows”-arty bullshit. I mean is there a car in the movie…does it blow up? Is his 22 yr old live-in nurse going to have a lesbian encounter with a Swedish intern? Do you have any of that? Is there any drinking, anywhere in any film at any festival listed on any page of this site? Does anyone get naked? How about aliens?....do you have any aliens anywhere?.....they can be normal looking but they have to like eat dogs or have detachable heads or some shit!

Needless to say, none of that is going on at Film Festival News.

Scriptapalooza: First of all your name is not funny, it’s not cool. We know you are all a bunch of balding baby boomers who claimed they went to Woodstock but really they didn’t have the nuts for the hippy shit. So you make cute witty puns to the 60’s and relive the craziness that you never actually lived by raping nearly ever cool and iconographic song from your generation and using them to sell cheeseburgers, Camaros and Diet Pepsi. You live in complete denial that you’re a bunch of hypocritical hacks with no ideas or intellectual property what so ever so you resort to ripping off Rock’em-Sock’em Robots and Ultra Man. And don’t even get me started on the Super Bowl bullshit. I mean the snickers commercial was bad enough (that’s really the best sketch you had…you’re serious?) but then I heard some people complaining about Prince. Now I’d like to interject here if I may. You hired Price to play the halftime show. Like one of the most provocative motherfuckers we have seen in a minute…to play this motherfucker live. I mean Price is rich, and crazy…and he don’t give a fuck. I mean do they realize how it could have gone down? I mean he could have opened up with “Sexy Motherfucker” and the whole place would jumped off. They have to end the super bowl early cause people wouldn’t stop fuckin’. I mean you know that shit could have happened. Hell, what would have been some shit is if he’d a started playing “Darling Nikky”…now that would have been some shit. Like 50K motherfuckers singing in unison “Knew a girl named Nikki some say she was a sexy fiend…” America would have been fucked up!

..anyway it’s not story time so….Scriptapalooza, they just have so many tips for you and hey guess what, if you are having difficulty you can always sign up to take one of their many classes. Like what kind of classes you ask? Well there’s:

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D A V I D S. F R E E M A N'S "B E Y O N D S T R U C T U R E"
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L.A.'s Most Popular Screenwriting Workshop
returns to Los Angeles and New York!
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L.A.: March 24-25 / NEW YORK: March 31-April 1

http://www.beyondstructure.com

"David Freeman guided me through five rewrites of my first
script, giving me feedback and input on plot twists,
characters, dialogue...the entire gamut. The script sold
for $200,000 against $400,000 when the film gets made. I'd
strongly recommend David's high-powered workshop to anyone
who's serious about screenwriting."

This email blast is maintained by the good folks over at beyondstructure.com. Now this website is a piece of work. You basically rip off earlier writers and allow the artform to become sterile and repetitive. But don’t take my word for it…

We know that painters have techniques for their craft, such as mixing colors and utilizing perspective. And actors have all sorts of techniques for "getting into character."

But what about screenwriters? Can they also have a pallet of techniques they can employ?

By a "writing technique" I mean:

1. It can be identified in the work of master screenwriters.
2. It's something that can be learned, practiced, and employed in a wide variety of screenwriting situations.
3. It creates a specific emotional impact, be it simple or complex.
4. It can liberate a writer to bring forward his or her artistry, without boxing a writer into a formula. That is, it's adaptable to many different writing styles.

..would you like fries with it? How about undercoating? No, no… we personalize every script to your exact need. I mean there’s an entire site of this shit. Nowhere does it say read a fucking book or go outside or go and get your brains fucked out!. I guess for some it’s comforting to know that even screenwriting can be done, paint-by-numbers fashion so don’t be so worried about if you have talent or not…it’s kind of not necessary.

Now the list is more extensive…but I’d have to get personal and let’s just say the last libel case kind of took a lot out of me. I think you get the gist.

Last but certainly not least is the Film Independent website (formerly the IFP of Los Angeles). For those of you not in the know, there was a huge rift created when the LA IFP seceded from the IFP family with east coast and Midwest affiliates pointing out that the entire Independent Feature Project was not fulfilling its mission if one of its chapters could just do as it pleases.

But the LA chapter argued that their filmmakers had special problems (like how to get 5 dicks in your mouth at the same time)..so they felt that renaming the chapter and relocating its offices would do the trick. Well that was a little more than a year ago and I am happy to report that IFP is just as useless as it has ever been here in Los Angeles. And nothing attests that more than their site…what a waste of fuckin’ time.

For starters, when do we talk about real filmmaking? Assume that I don’ want to join the mentor program (I’m 37…do I look like I need a pep talk?) or take one of their informative classes (introduction to screenwriting, editing, writing coverage)…all of which I guess is respectable but aren’t we supposed to be making films? What if you already know how to write, what if you have an editor? IFP loves to assume that most of us don’t know what part of the camera holds the film...and they deem this as helpful.

But to be completely fair, let’s go link by link on their site:

Their home page: Let’s see…we have links for the Independent Spirit Awards. Apparently this is one of the full time jobs of IFP reminding us that we are one of the have-nots and really not in the filmmaking industry (here’s some candy kid). A link to apply to the Los Angeles Film Festival as if I wanted to spend another $50 to find out that I am not one of the “in” people and consequently my entry is not taken seriously. And then there is talent development…and man is that a fun link. It takes you to another pager that lists great uses of your time like “Filmmaker Labs” (Where tomorrow’s talent is made….yeah, sure it is); Project Involve where “under represented” filmmakers are given access to mentoring, practical training, screening opportunities and job placement. It’s a great way to learn how to suck balls and patiently wait your turn to live you life’s ambition. Have I ever applied? Of course not. Do I really need to sit through a screening and selection process to find out that a) I’m really too old to mentor. b) That sitting around and talking about making movies and actually making them are two entirely different things. c) That there is a difference between working in the industry and being apart of the industry.

How is this shit helpful?

I mean yeah I get your cute website with the Teal colors and the Los Angeles Times font. But what have you really done to help a bona fide filmmaker. And when I say bona fide filmmaker I’m talking about someone who actually writes and directs and shoots. Not a bunch of tofu eating wanna be screenwriters who are tired of rejection from filmmakers and want to get into the game. Not people from the stage who think filmmaking is juvenile and artistically vapid and just need a few pointers before they alter the history of the body of film, not a bunch a “whiz kid’ film students who after surviving the rigors of student filmmaking are ready to become moguls and certainly not the ambitious producer that has been producing shit-content since his arrival in Los Angeles and has figured that you might was well completely control the shit project and make all the shit money so he opts to write and direct his own shitty movies and get into the Super bowl of shitty films affectionately known as the festival circuit. No, I am not talking about them.

I’m talking about the funny hat wearing, habitually swearing, chemically dependent, “do as I say not as I do”, “what do you mean I only have two takes left, we have plenty of film”….”why isn’t everyone telling me everything, all the time” – type of person. How come I don’t see you promoting those people?

Look here is the skinny. IFP is great if you want to pretend that you are a filmmaker. You can take pretend classes, go to pretend screenings and meet other pretend filmmakers who have pretend projects for pretend careers…and that’s about it. But don’t take my word for it. Walk into your local IFP branch and say to them “hey dude, I’m a shooter that’s been in the game for like a minute and I’ve got some connections. I got a badass sound mixer and a DP that’s kind of tasty. If I’ve got $8K and I need another $12K. Any Idea how to do that?.....they won’t have an answer.

“Ok.. I see I’ve stumped you on that one, so I’ll change it up a bit, ok? Say I’ve shot this thing, say it’s so fuckin’ money that Jeff Dowd can stop beating his dick when he looks at my dailies. Also, let’s assume that I’ve got a few cameo roles with recognizable faces and a hot soundtrack. How do I leverage this into a serious conversation about getting my feature made? Don’t you have a list of people to call in your rolodex? What do you mean you don’t have a rolodex?”

“Alright, alright…I’ll go practical. Say I shoot and finance the film myself, say I get it accepted into festivals; let’s also assume that I have like a dozen reviews of it posted on the web, let’s go even further and say that I have a well trafficked site (10K hits) and a well trafficked blog (2500K) both still within their first year of launch. Say I have 9 Google pages returned as a result when you Google the title of my film. Let’s get really crazy and say that my film has played outside the country. Do you know way of getting around all this “make sure you proof read your script” – beginner filmmaker level 1 technical support bullshit and getting to have a real conversation with a few motherfuckers that have real money and want to spend (Uh, I mean invest…) it real soon?

The answer is no, no, no and hell no. That is not the business Film Independent is in (but man do they have nice offices). This organization and it’s pathetic website are nothing but a waste of time (I really mean that). Did you know that the cinema lounge (their monthly screening program) solicits short films from all over the country to play here in Los Angeles? Isn’t that interesting? I mean you have hand out rimjobs with every screener to get any of the other regional IFP branches to consider a filmmaker who isn’t local (yeah cause the filmmaking competition in Iowa is top notch); but here is Los Angeles where we have more filmmakers than fake titties, they are shipping them in. Oh yeah, you better make sure your film is short. I mean the cinema lounge really doesn’t have the time to sit through a 30 min short. Hell they have checks to cash and impressionable filmmakers to swindle.

But don’t take my word for it. Go to Film Independent’s website and find out what I’m talking about.

Hey film independent, you want to help out filmmakers in Los Angeles? Well here are some classes you should teach:

Summer curriculum:

1) The art of being a good assistant: suppressing your gag reflex . Let’s face it, if you are going to take the assistant route your gonna be sucking a lot of dick – might as well be good at it.

2) Your cell phone is all that matters: You can get evicted or lose your limbs and neither will affect you career as much as a disconnected celli. How to lie, cheat and steal your way out of cellular service suspension

3) How to lie to the cops: Telling the truth is never in your best interest, and all cops want to be actors – learn how to use this knowledge to your advantage.

4) How to fuck your assistant and not ruin your film: Look, after three 18hr days someone is getting fuck…and it might as well be you (esp. if you are paying for this shit) – how to make it happen.

5) Lies producers tell: “I didn’t know he was a minor”… “but it’s not a real gun”… “no, we do have two cameras…just not at the same time”. Learn how to spot these lies and keep your producers focused on his job (getting you weed).

6) Special financing course just announced: ”the check won’t bounce till Monday…so what would you like to do?”

7) How to run a Q & A: This is one of our hottest courses that addresses when to use phrases like: “No, I’m not arrogant. I’m just better than you”; “You’re talkin’ a lot of shit for someone who shoots only on the weekend” and my personal favorite. “Of course you don’t understand my film, you’re a fucking moron”

8) “I need another fucking take”: How to act when your film is over budget and about to die in principal photography.

9) “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” : How to deal with dissension and figuring out who to shoot first.

10) “When I say yes I mean maybe and when I say maybe I mean never. How to have meeting after meeting over several months and agree to absolutely nothing yet give the impression that you a diligently working on a project.

You have been warned! So, happy surfing…and remember it’s not as much of a question of “is it a waste of time” as it is a question of “is it a colossal waste of time”.

Cooprdog