Friday, April 13, 2007

What's your deal?

Ok...so it's time to do my taxes. Now realize that I've had my W-2 and all that other shit since like the 1st week of January...but I just haven't really wanted to deal with it.

The detailed list of my expenses seems more like a crime blotter. I am aware of this and hence, I always avoid doing my taxes.

But I'm not even gonna be in LA this time tax season ends, so I had to do it early.

I went to H&R block because they are right across the street (if you call a 4 lane highway a street). These cats did my taxes last year and to be completely honest, I don't care if they are correct. As soon as I marry a super model and begin trafficking coke to support my film career...I'll be audited all the time.... So, bring it bitches.

The H&R block office at Airdome and LaCienega has got to be the most ghetto of all the ghetto tax places. It's in a tiny shopping center and shares the place with a pawnshop and a cigarette store. And there's a bus stop for the 105 (also know as the ghetto express) right in front. You can get your taxes done, buy weed, buy fruit and if you're really a multi-tasker...walk across the street and get a burrito (I am so not lying about that).

I walk in the place and immediately I'm regretting it. Jesus can you remodel...green and black are an awful color shceme.....unless you drive for NASCAR....speaking of which...can you guys stop trying to market the sport to black people. It's not gonna work. Every time I watch that shit....it's like a 100K drunk white people....in the infield, sittin' on top of motorhomes.....listenin' to Skynard....yeah, sign me up for that shit! I can't wait to talk about how Schlitz tastes better in a can.

Anyway, so I approach the counter and there is this massive appointment book. The lady doesn't even look up when I say I'm here to do my taxes.

LADY AT COUNTER
Do you have an appoinment?

....Do I have an appointment? Do I need an appointment? There's a whole bunch of nothin' goin' on in here, who are you foolin'?

I say that I don't, and then I am asked to take a seat. I guess all the tax preparers are in the bullpen, sharpening their pencils or some shit.

After about 10 min's this dude comes around the corner. He looks like the kind of guy that doesn't spend a lot of time outside - if you get my drift.

So I follow him back to his desk and we begin with the usual. Only, he's being a total dick to me.

TAX PREPARER
Wow, you kind of waited to the last minute.

COOPRDOG
What are you talkin' about today is the 10th?

TAX PREPARER
Well yeah, but it's almost the 15th.

COOPRDOG
But it ain't the 15th. I could commit a crime, get locked up, make bail, commit another crime, get locked up again.....and get out again...and still make the deadline.....which is the 16th this year since the 15th falls on a sunday.

TAX PREPARER
I'm just sayin'

Do I need this shit? Who is this guy and if he knows so much, how come he can't figure out how to control his dandriff?

It's like he's not believing anything I say. He even questions if my address is still the same as the W-2.

COOPRDOG
Let's just say that the detectives never have a problem finding me

I'm really trying to be polite, but what the fuck.....this is the easy shit.

Then he starts with the attitude as he goes over my tax liability.

TAX PREPARER
You know you should really buy a house.

COOPRDOG
....Yeah, and I probably shouldn't fuck hookers without a condom either....what are you my therapist?

TAX PREPARER
I'm just saying....you should consider it.

COOPRDOG
Yeah, well...it's on the list.

Yeah.....It's right up there with being monogamous and clipping coupons .......right below not chokin' bitches out and using less fucking profanity!

So now we are back to the typing. He's awful....I mean damn dude, be one with the keyboard. You would have thought Smokey the Bear was writin' his personal memoirs (I hear it's called "motherfuckers who don't listen and get burned the fuck up")on a manual (typewriter)....with the noise this guy's keyboard was making.

And then he starts with the bullshit.

TAX PREPARER
You can't claim those deductions

COOPRDOG
Oh really? And why the fuck not?

TAX PREPARER
Because you're not a filmmaker till you get paid for it

COOPRDOG
Oh really? Well you sister was a slut long before she started gettin' paid for it and I didn't hear nobody complainin' about that.

TAX PREPARER
I think that's outta line.

COOPRDOG
You wanna know what's really out of line? You having an opinion. Now give me my fuckin' deductions.

TAX PREPARER
You can't deduct the peach optimo's you purchased to roll blunts with.

COOPRDOG
What? That's a legitimate entertainment expense! You act like I tried to deduct my weed purchases or something.

TAX PREPARER
And what are headers?

COOPRDOG
That's the tuned exhaust I put on my Z.

TAX PREPARER
Do you use your car for work?

COOPRDOG
Man I'm always workin'!

TAX PREPARER
Are you workin' right now?

COOPRDOG
As a matter of fact, I'm working real hard not to kick your ass....if that's what you mean.

He's silent as he returns to typin'. And now there is an issue....with my other deductions.

TAX PREPARER
Do you really have $1500 in internet expenses.

COOPRDOG
Listen, when you have a broadband connection, you tend to download a lot of porn.

TAX PREPARER
And how is that work related.

COOPRDOG
Listen, I'm a director. I can't be making the hits of tommorrow....if I don't know what the kids are spanking it to today...it's purely research.

TAX PREPARER
You realize your asking to be audited.

COOPRDOG
Listen to me. There are a number of federal agencies that I am concerned about and the IRS ain't fuckin' one of them!

TAX PREPARER
Name another agency that you fear.

COOPRDOG
The D.E.A.

TAX PREPARER
Ok.. I see that, who else.

COOPRDOG
The A.T.F.

TAX PREPARER
Aw yeah, they killed mad cats at Waco.

COOPRDOG
Yeah....and those motherfuckers were white.

TAX PREPARER
Listen...I just think you shouldn't take as many risks.

COOPRDOG
What? Name one risk I'm taking...

TAX PREPARER
Your dog is not a dependent.

COOPRDOG
Yeah well, you obviously don't buy dog food....and I spent $2K on his surgeries last year.

TAX PREPARER
I'm just sayin'....

COOPRDOG
What else are you worried about?

TAX PREPARER
Do you realize that you are attempting to deduct 30 lbs of gummy colas?

COOPRDOG
I need to chew gummy colas when I write.

TAX PREPARER
Thirty pounds....?

COOPRDOG
Hey, I'm prolific. You can't put a price on art.....you gonna tell Frank Gifford to cut back on his "just for men" hair dye?....I don't think so!

So he grumbles and enters the data. It's computing. The feeling of waiting for your tax return to be accepted is like when you're at the DMV and you know all your shit is expired but you're still trying to register your shit.

TAX PREPARER
There's a problem

COOPRDOG
Define problem

TAX PREPARER
You owe California $1200.

COOPRDOG
Are you fucking nuts? That's impossible.

TAX PREPARER
That's what it says.

COOPRDOG
Yeah well fuck California! If Arnold wants his money....he can come get it.

TAX PREPARER
So you're not gonna pay it?

COOPRDOG
Oh I'll pay it. But I'm taking the payment plan.....I'm gonna nickle and dime these hookers all year.

There is more button mashing (more like button genocide)......then he says it's accepted. My shit prints and I'm on my way to check out.

The chick at the desk is on one. But I'm not really trying to deal with her. We do the nicities and we run my credit card.

COUNTER QUEEN
Your card was denied!

COOPRDOG
Excuse me? I know for a fact that there's at least another 12 days of drinking and weed smoking in that account.

COUNTER QUEEN
Yeah, whatever...do you have another card?

Luckily I have a small plastic herd in my pocket.

$196 for that experience. You got to be fuckin' kidding me. Someone remind me to "burn this motherfucker to the ground!" when I get a chance.

Fuck taxes!

COOPRDOG

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