Friday, September 21, 2007

Cooprdog speaks,....but who will listen?

I know.. .I know… all I do is talk about film. That’s why Canada left me…or is it because I wouldn’t do coke with her and actually liked her as a person? And I don’t do enough to support my relationship or my girlfriends…I mean that’s what Melissa told me… as she was 9 months unemployed, living in my house not paying for so much as toilet paper and if you are reading this… I still make fun of you because your creditors still call my fucking house…..oh yeah, I saw that shit you did on youtube…why didn’t’ you call me? It looks awful… I mean I do really kind of hate you… but I’d have made sure your horrible copy and stilted acting looked watchable. Hmm, who else is there…oh yes, Caroline…the last in a long line of Princesses and Daddies girls that I dated (hey guys, you get to hold open doors and not get laid… that’s awesome… and guess what, when you do get laid.. she’ll start weeping so hard you’ll leave the state for fear of prosecution.) And how could we ever forget Jamie. A name that has never appeared in this blog…never been directly cited… only briefly referred to so as to keep her identity (and our relationship) a secret. I had this belief that she was the one, it was a really strong feeling, kind of like when you are in Gamestop and you see what you believe will be the greatest game of all time….only to be disappointed in the AI and the overall gameplay….she was the most disappointing… because Canada and Melissa and Caroline all had drug problems and I weighed that against their ability to tolerate my constant cumming in their faces (Jesus, it’s a joke… I like to cum in the crack of her ass… just ask around)… but Jamie… that was just fear, insecurity, interrace issues (when you're black and you speak with near perfect diction...you fuck a lot of white girls, what can I say?), status, class… I mean you name it and it bothered her. So now that I have been informed that we will never speak again (which is always funny to hear from someone who doesn’t play hardball…I mean, I know what it’s like to get in a fight with a parent and not speak to them for more than 5 years, I also know what it’s like when you have refused to speak to someone..and then they suddenly die; I know what it’s like end a relationship that is 7-10 years old…at the drop of a hat). So since I can do no good in the dating world… well, that’s not really true. I have had three really pretty much great relationships, but each of those women had herpes. I mean what the fuck kind of a choice is that? Do I plan on cheating on my wife?....no, do I want the option?....yes.

Ok…ok.. I’m kidding, I would never cheat on my wife (cause we’re just going to live together, baby)… alright, alright… let me get to the real reason for this blog entry.

Dating sucks, and you know why it sucks? Cause women won’t chill the fuck out…and before I get a lot of angry emails (ha.. like people email me ) about this, let me state it plain-like… shit is fucked up with how women approach the dating thing….here is my opinion of what the problem is….

1) The height requirement... yeah I know, you all want men that are 6'2"-6'8"... I know that's really desirable. The issue is the average man is 5'8". Yeah I know you don't want an average man... but if you're really trying to date you need to be a little flexible. And besides, if you can have a height requirement then men can have a weight requirement...and who wants to have that argument.

2) The no weed smoking thing. Gee, how do I say this? You are in Southern California... most of us either grew up here smoking weed, or moved here to smoke weed...so either let it go or move.. and as a side note.. .alcohol is a much more destructive drug than cannabis...you can't be a social drinker and have an issue with weed smokers...it's a hypocritical position.

3) The looks issue. Yes, we all want to be with someone who is attractive, but seriously ladies... there is a lot of misrepresentation going on. Are you really model.. are you really smokin' hot? then demand hotness.. but the rest of you.. . a little give and take please. I've been here since '99 and most of us need some work..

4) The money issue. Look most of us are traditional and we'll pay on the first date and in the beginning of the "courtship".. but no man is going to foot the bill while you decide if he's "worthy". You have to make an attempt to reach for the check...most of us will beat you to it. But expecting a man to get the tab on 6-7 dates while you contemplate if he is "worth the trouble"...is a bit much. We want a partner. all you have to do is buy popcorn once in a while... and we'll be happy. FYI.. the dudes that show up with flowers and shit and wine and dine from the get-go...are the one's who can't be trusted. Once you are my girl I'll gladly spend a fair amount of my cheddah on you.. till then, your in line after my playstation habit and new suspension.

5) The Gentleman issue. I hear a lot of women lamenting the loss of gentleman... yeah well it's hard to open doors and pay traditional respect when women seem to have a penchant for men who mistreat them...and while we are on the topic there's a big difference between folding her panties and keeping her panties...you've got to be a little difficult or the women won't think you are worth having...and you'd be surprised. The more you meet him halfway on the asking out and paying.. the more he'll start to do traditional things (like pull out your chair). Most of us have no problem being a gentleman for a woman who's worth the effort... but using it as a deciding factor is a losing strategy.

6) Call frequency. We are wise to the game. We know you count the rings and give us only till wed to ask you out on Friday or Saturday...we just don't care. Dating has become a lot like work, and most men ain't into it. Can we just call a truce on the whole "I don't call guys" thing. For starters, it gives us the ability to be utter and complete dogs...and rarely get busted, cause all of your are working from the same playbook. But when a woman calls you...and takes the initiative... you don't take her for granted (FYI.. I'm not talking about you "blow up the voicemail chicks"...the more you call, the less I care... I need time to miss you.) And if you're worried because we slept together too soon, you need to just chill and deal with it...calling for clarification is just going to make me wish I'd have hit on your roommate and not you).. you think she likes you.

7) The sex issue. Ok, here is where it gets good. We don't just want to fuck you...but we would like some kind of sign or merit badge that says that at some point we'll be behind you smackin' that ass while you bite a few pillows (I have aggressive sex fantasies - get over it)...what I am driving at is that most of us will play the game...on your terms.. if you will succumb eventually. And that doesn't mean 6 months. Will I wait six months to sleep with you?...yes, and then I'll tell all my friends about how it wasn't worth the wait and never call you again... so let's skip all that....6 weeks is the high water mark. If you ain't givin' it up by then...I'm going back to online porn (yeah, like I gave it up)

8) Speaking of porno. Ok, men are visual...and porno is fun. If we are going to be spending money on successive dates and not get fucked... you can't be upset that I like to watch what I ain't gettin'. Also, girlfriends... stop bitchin' cause your man watches porn. Stop making it an issue. Porn is what keeps us from cheating on you...and yes, we do learn shit when we watch porn. I'm a real tough guy. I don't hide shit. I've got 15 gigs in a folder on my desktop labeled pornography...and if it really bothers you, then offer to replace each pic or movie he has with one of you...he'll be more than happy to oblige.. and if you think that's weird, overly kinky or sinful... then shut the fuck up let him beat his dick.

9) The "I'm not looking for sex" ad. Ok, it's bullshit. I never meet a heterosexual woman that didn't like a good stiffie. Yeah, we know you want romance and someone to make you green tea and wheat toast when your pussy is bleeding (oh did I sound bitter)...and most of us will do that. But don't act like you are allergic to dick. Just be honest. Tell me I have to pass a written test and find the secret decoder ring before I can treat your body like a hotel room.. and I'll do it (I mean we'll do it...I'm not hard up or anything).

10) The sex moves. Ok, this really needs to be said. Most of you are not cock suckers... please stop pretending...it really sucks for us. I really don't want to watch you choke on my cock and drool on my balls (ok, maybe the first time...but that's just my ego talkin')... while you try to impersonate Heather from ideepthroat (uh.. not that I watch porn or anything).. but let's have a real discussion shall we.

There was a time when only freaky chicks and total sluts wore thongs. We as men know how to act and if we should try to put it in your ass (that is not a joke).. but then all of you starting wearing them, and everything got all fucked up. A thong means you like to fuck (I'm talking pounding people)... which we know is not the bend of the average female (cause most you just want to cuddle and watch lifetime)..but the thong kept the bad boys and the bad girls away from you, uh...wholesome people.

What I am gettin at is this...we don’t' expect everyone of you to set oral records. We know that cocks aren't exactly attractive and balls smell like balls (you know that's funny). Stop killing yourselves...if it's clicking between you two.. it's already gonna be hot.. stop trying to emulate the porn that you don't watch. If you like to suck.. suck on ... if you don't.. don't do us a favor.. my dick is not a red vine!

Lastly...we do really want a girlfriend... because we hate doing our own laundry (c'mon.. are you really mad at that joke?)..seriously though.. dating sucks. Just let it gel for a minute...we don't need to be fixing shit all the time... and we don't need to hear the "can I trust you" shit... if I'm hittin' it on a regular and fixing your car I'm into you... fucking relax

Oh yeah…. I know I’ve pissed off a lot of you…. But isn’t it good to know the blood can still move freely through your veins? Ok… here is your one and only opportunity to sound off… am I dick?...or is what I say reasonably true?

COOPRDOG

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