Friday, February 08, 2008

I'm not making this shit up (no, really)

I hadn’t seen Mr. Keats in years. We used to be roommates back in 648 with Shawnus and of course Peckery…who no longer goes by Peckery and his new name is not gonna get any props in this blog since he ain’t returning my calls… anyway…

So I was going to end my British tour with Mr. Keats and his lovely fiancée Kat kickin’ it in Wimbledon. They had a nice flat in a cool neighborhood and it was a refreshing change from the ghettoness that I had become accustomed to living in.

He showed me the couch and his Xbox 360 (gamers are everywhere motherfuckers!) and he told me he was sorry that he didn’t have any weed. Then I broke out the end of the stash I had from Hull…and we sat there and attempted to smoke a blunt. But what I rolled was more like a soggy spring roll because you can’t get any Phillies or Peach Optimo or Swishers in England…at least not in the places I was stayin’, so I’m using the mini cigars that don’t dry and don’t stick together… it’s a mess. I wind up jacking some of his aluminum foil and fabricating a pipe (…note to the young ones, destroy this device as soon as you finish using it. It looks like a crack pipe and if you get pulled over with it you can expect at least a vehicle search and a possession ticket for any substances….uh, not that I’ve ever been pulled over or anything…) and smoking out of that.

I was basically back in a serious roommate situation which meant serious roommate rules.. like, stay out of the house to give people space. This wasn’t really an issue since they worked during the day and I wanted to chase women at night…but here’s the kicker… They were going on Holiday and I’d have the place to myself for my last two days….no, that’s not a typo.

So yeah, my mind starts spinning about how I’m going to place this…a party – no, no…that’s crazy; I fuck den for 48 hours…yeah, now we’re talking…

I promptly passed out and spent the entire next morning playing Need for Speed: Most Wanted. I had this game on my PSP (before I got high and got in a taxi in San Diego and left a case with 12 PSP games laying on the seat)…anyway so I hated this game. The entire premise of Most Wanted is bullshit, but let me explain.

So in “Need for Speed: Most Wanted” you’re a street racer trying to mod your car and win races to move up the latter and unlock tracks and cars…cool. What distinguishes this game is that the cops often catch you racing and chase you…which should be fun…and now that I think about this I think I mentioned this in the PSP buyers guide review..but whatever. So the police cars are fast…I mean really fast. You wanna know how fast the police cars are in this game? Let’s say you were in the middle of a street race, on the highway… and you crest a hill and you see a cop in front of you…you’re doing like 115-120mph as you pass the cop you get on the nitros and you hit 143mph. Now think of how surprised you are that a cop driving a station wagon closes on you in less than a mile. I mean the police cars are faster than the cars you drive (for the most part)…and also the police can really drive. I mean I’ve been chased through traffic for 15-20 min’s making all kinds of crazy recoveries and barely staying on the road…and there’s three cops who are doing it behind me….anyway I’ve never played it on a big counsel..and you know what…it’s a lot more fun. It still sucks hairy ass because you can never finish a race without being chased and who the fuck is really going to race in a town where they dispatch police helicopters to chase you. What’s next? Tanks and mines?...but maybe it’s just me…

Anyway I unlocked like a billion things in this game. Cars, tracks…you name it…I was the man but had the nagging feeling that going out in a analog stick blaze of glory was not really the way to end the trip of all trips. So over dinner I inquired about when Mr. Keats wanted to do some real drinking. He had to big jobs and then they were off for holiday…there wasn’t going to be any drinking really, so I was on my own.

Kat suggested that I check out this coffee e shop/bar that was down the street. She said that it’s always full of really artistic people and that I should fit right in. I was a bit skeptical at first…long walk, coffee shop, art people…man that could mean a lot of things. If I had learned one thing from being here is was that certain things don’t translate…I was wondering if I could trust it? I had weed to smoke and this apt is really warm (man…the difference was day and night)…I kinda didn’t want to go.

But I decided to check it out, I’m supposed to be some internationally traveling, filmmaking cat…I’ve got to make the most of this stay. And with that notion I grabbed my laptop and my bag with a few screeners in it and headed for the spot.

It was about a 20 minute walk down some very crowded streets. I was like a cross between a theme park atmosphere and a college campus. Lots of yelling and aimless walking around and a lot of loitering, it was a cool feeling. I broke into the bar and it was kind of crowded but not packed. I got a nice pint of Guinness (totally fucking awesome pour) and had a short chat with this old Italian guy who couldn’t believe that I like Guinness (he literally hugged me)…say what you will, but I’ve never seen that reaction happen to a Bud Light drinker.

I made my way to a little table/booth thing just off to the side and tried to right while stealing glimpses at all these hot chicks. I mean I’d been here in England long enough to tell who is who and man are there some contestants. There are two big women in the corner…no, I mean tall, muscular…think east German swimmers. To my left is a pair of chick that are definitely from London with those calf boots and the pencil skirts (British women’s taste in footware makes me want to lick pussy)…it’s about to go down in here. I wasn’t quite sure what I could pull off. I mean I’m one of the only black guys and I’m one of the only dudes in here (meaning I’m wearing jeans and boots…let’s just say there’s a lot of loafers and tasseled footware going on with the male population.

When I was at the bar I tried to chat up the east Germans but they weren’t having it (Lesbians…must be) and the bartender never goes my way so fuck it, I returned to my little booth and order a steak and another pint…if my night’s gonna suck…then there’s no need to be sober. And no sooner did I think that then did this guy and these two hot chicks squeeze around this small table across from me. They all looked very uncomfortable huddle around this small table and I made eye contact with one of the women initially. I was a bad man thinking bad thoughts as I smiled at her briefly…and then I just went for it…I waved them over. They all looked very perplexed and then the guy got up and came over to see what I wanted.

BAR DUDE
Is there something wrong?

COOPRDOG
You guys can share my booth if you want…I’ve got a ton of space over here.

He immediately smiled and turned around and waved his friends over. I couldn’t believe that worked, I mean I totally fucking amazed myself with that one. I’d never do some shit like that in the states, let alone LA…are you fucking nuts? Real estate is expensive in LA…but anyway…

We all sit around and begin chatting…

COOPRDOG

Sorry to be so forward but you guys looked really cramped at that table…and I have this entire booth to myself so I thought it was the least that I could do.

At this point well all got kind of cozy; all I knew is that now there were two women and two men and he came with them which meant that he’s probably only fucking one of them and the other will be willing to play around as long as her friends are near

CHICK #1
That was really nice of you.

BAR DUDE
Yeah man…thanks.

CHICK #2
So where are you from?

COOPRDOG
The States.

CHICK #1
Oh, that explains it

COOPRDOG
Explains what?

The two chicks say something I couldn’t hear….

CHICK #2
How come you speak such good English.

BAR DUDE
American… you speak good American.

COOPRDOG
I’m sorry there’s a difference?

CHICK #1
Yeah if you were English you’d be uptight and unfunny.

COOPRDOG
So I take it you’re not Brits

BAR DUDE
Jesus!

CHICKS TOGETHER
Oh fuck no!

COOPRDOG
So where are you from?

CHICK #2
South Africa

CHICK #1
South Africa Baby

COOPRDOG
Baby?

CHICK #2
I’m sure it’s not the first time you’ve been called baby… ok, well maybe with your pants on.

…ok, now, when the fuck have you ever had a chick say some shit like that to you right when she meets you. Man, I gotta move to the UK…they know what’s up. I finish my steak (yeah, undigested meat in my colon…whatever...why don’t you shut the fuck up and finish your soybeans) and then prepare to head for the bar.

I pick up the next round (I don’t know seemed like the thing to do…besides if I get these chicks loaded who knows what’ll happen).

I return with the pints and it like a little party. They are really appreciative and very interested in what I’m doing here. I explain the film and suddenly I’m way more interesting (I’m not joking….filmmaking can get you pussy….I said can…moving out of your mother’s basement will also help with that desire…) I just roll with it.

CHICK #1
So what brings you to the UK? Did you run out of chick to fuck in the states

COOPRDOG
Let’s just say I got too many points on my dating license.

CHICK #1
Oh, I bet you’re a heartbreaker with that Lenny Kravitz shit going on.

COOPRDOG
Careful…that’s how people wind up losing their panties

Both of the women and the dude literally spit out there pints due to laughter.

COOPRDOG
Have I mentioned that I’m a writer.

CHICK #1
What do you write porno?

COOPRDOG
Well you shoot porno and you write erotica…sounds like you’ve had a few “screen tests”

CHICK #2
If you only knew…

CHICK #1
Shut up bitch….and why are you trying to front like you’re all worldly and shit.

COOPRDOG
Excuse me??

CHICK #2
Yeah you kind of need to drop that act.

COOPRDOG
I’m here for the culture

CHICK #1
The culture of get women out of their panties.

COOPRDOG
I’m sorry did I do something to…

CHICK #1
Relax, this is how South African’s are when they drink…of course that next to fucking impossible with these fucking exchange rates.

COOPRDOG
Tell me about it… it’s like 2-1 for the dollar.

The dude shakes his head and giggle.

CHICK #1
2:1…I’d suck cock in an alley for 2:1. The Rand is a 5:1 conversion.

COOPRDOG
Oh, that’s fucking ugly.

CHICK #2
So have you been here long?

COOPRDOG
About 10 days…I like it. The women are sexy.

CHICK #1
Please, the Brit’s can dress but they’re all afraid of cock.

COOPRDOG
Uh.. did you just break up with somebody, you seem to be going through cock withdrawal.

BAR DUDE
Yeah… since birth.

The table cracks up.

At this point the dude got up to get a smoke and took one of the chicks with him. I swear to fucking good it was too easy. I mean c’mon…I’ve got a big cock and everything…but when the fuck does this happen.

For the next 6 minutes there is a lot of flirting and eye contact. This is like the hottest chick I’ve met since I’ve been here and she’s vulgar and she likes to get fucked up (man, I should work here).

Before I could get around to finding out exactly how deep her pussy is, her friends returned. There was more bullshittin’ and the next thing I knew we were talking about cocks again.

CHICK #1
You don’t have to be shy…I know you stretch chicks out with that big black cock.

COOPRDOG
I don’t know what you are talking about.

CHICK #1
Baby don’t be shy

COOPRDOG
I’m telling you that’s a rumor that white guys started. I’ve got a small cock.

CHICK #1
Please…do you know who you’re talking to?

CHICK #2
She’s seen a lot of cocks…

BAR DUDE
And a few of them were in porno’s

The table cracks up. She reaches out to grab my arm.

CHICK #1
Baby I know… I’m south African…I’ve been staring at your brothers and cousins since my pussy could get moist…most of ya’ll are packing.

Ok so at this point I’m pretty sure I’m going to get fucked. I mean you just can talk about my cock that much and not put in your mouth a few times…I mean what the fuck?

Ok, so my plan was to go with these cats and see if this chick let’s me fuck her and listen to her speak in her native tongue (man… that’s the greatest). I get another pint and they refuse. Suddenly it’s about “we have to go soon”… “I have to work tomm.” ok…here we fucking go.

I counter and ask them if they’re weed smokers?

BAR DUDE
This isn’t the states…everybody smokes here.

COOPRDOG
OK, well…I’ve got about a ¼ that I need to smoke before I skip the pond.

CHICK #1
Oh.. man that’s tempting, but I have to be up early… how about tomm.

COOPRDOG
Tomm…

CHICK #1
C’mon I’ve been working all day and don’t smell as good as I normally do… besides you and me need more time than a few hours.

Yeah…I might have to marry this chick (ha..ha.. me, marriage?...sure, right after I sell the Z and cut off my dreads.)

She promises me deep throating and ass fucking and panties to take home to show my friends (uh… do you have an intern program??? …I’m interested)

I decided to not be so greedy and to wait 15 hours before I scramble her eggs (oh, is that not nice to say?). We exchange numbers (uh… I get the numbers of both of them) and they all jet. Now this is not a bad thing because now I can get drunk and belligerent and still have a goto plan for tomm.

Now here is the dilemma. I really want to fuck #1…man, she’s got a potty mouth and let’s just say she’s a fan of cardio exercise. But her friend is gorgeous , I mean like classic beauty kind of gorgeous…I mean what are the chances of a three some with South African chicks in Wimbledon? Isn’t that like a triple word score or something…man… I got to fucking move here.

The rest of the night was kind of uneventful because all I wanted to do was go home and beat my dick (oh…like I’m the only one) and wait till tomm. So I boogied back to Mr. Keats apartment and blew up his fucking Xbox 360…he should give me this fucking thing I’m so good at it.

I woke up the next morning to a note that he and his lady had bounced. That means that I have this motherfucker to myself…ok.. time to call this chick. Now the first phone is real dangerous thing…you would be amazed at number stupid and idiotic things a man will let fly out of his mouth when he things he’s going to be laid. My goal is to not be that guy and to be so funny that it makes her pussy wet (it’s all about humor boys). The call goes to voicemail. I don’t leave a long message, I don’t try to be to witty…just the facts…

Like 4 hours goes by and now reply… and then next thing I know nightfall is approaching and still nothing…great. The super freaky South African chick was talkin’ shit. What is the deal with you women? I mean I would have been perfectly content to feed her beer and stare at her tits and leave it at that…but no…she had to start talking about my big cock and how I like to stuff it in little white girls (uh..ok, maybe she didn’t say that…but I do like to fuck little white girls…in case you’re a little white girl looking for a friend to keep you company)

So I smoked most of my remaining weed and went through my phone book on the Blackcherry. Not a single response from any of the 6 million people who I’ve met since I landed here…now what?

Well no one like a quitter, so I got dressed and headed back to the same bar to see if I could make lightning strike twice. Yeah well, it doesn’t. It was like a different bar this time (what is the deal with bars that change their persona every night?...how are the addicts supposed to get fucked when you keep switching it up on us??

It was a real uncomfortable vibe and shit and I drank like 4 pints and got shot down by 6 women and decided that it was time to bounce, besides I was fucking starving. I stumbled out of the bar and low and behold there was a Burger King right next store. Now, I haven’t ingested fast food in nearly 5 years but I was fucking starving. Ok…a burger is out…I’ll just get some fries.

Dude, I couldn’t believe how much fat and salt were in my mouth after one bite (Kind of like a Melissa Childs impression when her rent is due…shut up. I haven’t made a Melissa joke all year) and I was instantly about to puke. I crushed the coke and went outside to get some air and toss this bag o’heart-attack.

Outside is where it got interesting. There was a pack of teenagers (I mean am I that old now?) getting rowdy in front of the Burger King and they were really starting to upset the security guard and not to mention every woman that walked by.

I had the feeling these dudes were about to be out of the game so I moved away from them. 15 seconds a 4 pack of Bobbies came running out of the tube station and arrested all of them. The dudes tried to protest but were told that all of their actions had been caught on CCTV…man, that shit has got to go!

Having just dodged being arrested (no, I’m not with them...) I wandered up the street looking for a bar. I was kind of liquored up and in no mood to just download porn. I made it to the crosswalk and pushed the button and played with the Black Cherry as I waited. I then heard this voice from a distance yelling at me. I was about to miss the crosswalk light. I holstered my Blackcherry and made a run for it…and made it just before the light changed.

I thanked the dude for his kindness.

COOPRDOG
Good lookin’ yo’!

He had no idea what meant but said you’re welcome. We struck up a conversation seeing as we were both stinking drunk and having trouble standing. Right behind him was a rowdy bar with people stumbling out of it literally every 2 minutes. Then this chick comes out (she’s hot)…

HOT CHICK IN FRONT OF THE BAR
Hey Gavin, I’m about to leave, but you should go back in. That Canadian chick and her friend were asking about you and all the rest of the guys in there are dicks…you might have a shot…if you had a wingman….and she left.

He thanked her briefly and stated that he was entirely too drunk to move…and then I went to work.

COOPRDOG
Dude, c’mon we have to go inside.

DRUNK DUDE
Dude, I’m totally pissed.

COOPRDOG
Hunker down camper! Your country needs you!

DRUNK DUDE
Listen man, I’m about to piss my pants, besides I’ve got no game and you’ve got an American accent…I’ll just be slowing you down. Just go in and act like you’re my friend that was supposed to meet me…see if that gets you in.

The man was a genius; I hadn’t even considered that angle. I bid him farewell and enter the bar. It looks like a serious Irish Bar with a huge wooden bar and lots of types of Whiskey. As I come through the door a catch a glimpse of the hotties…only, there’s a problem. They had their jackets on and were kissing a bunch of people goodbye…so much for that plan.

I vaguely brushed against them as the left and slowly made my way to the bar. It was obvious that this night was going to suck and I wasn’t going out without a fight (or an abnormally high Blood alcohol level).

I get my pint and I lean against the bar and assess my options…hmm, let’s see: smoking hot model chick in a plaid min-skirt, petite chick at a corner table drinking wine by herself and then there are the party girls that are going around the bar flirting and getting men to buy them drinks…this is bullshit!

One of the big leather chairs near the fireplace becomes vacant and I make my move over there. I’m seated for about 5 minutes before I wound up talking to the guy sitting across from me. Turns out he’s a journalism student and so are all of his friends.

Well let me tell you, nothing gets my cock hard like publicity so I broke out some screeners and my PSP and started my ad-hoc SLZ sales pitch.

I do really have this shit down to a science I mean if this was an Olympic event – all you bitches would be fearing me. Anyway, I begin to talk about the film and this dude asks if he can take notes. Then he wants to know if he can do a story on me….hmm, let me think about that. A story on me, in a bar, in another country…uh..fuck yeah!

We shoot the shit for about an hour and I buy a round of pints (you got to pay to play). I hand out about 5 screeners and everyone is really happy. Again they can’t believe that I am giving it to them; if you believe nothing else I’ve said…know that DVD’s are worth their weight in gold; because most filmmakers are cheap motherfuckers so if you spend the cash you will realize a serious advantage.

Before I knew it I they said they had to go and get back to the dorm, the dude that interview me asked if he could call me tomm to follow up. (…that’s what I’m talkin’ about)..and they were out. It was again just me and the Guinness chillin’ and lookin’ for pussy…uh, I mean some companionship.

I broke the fuck outta there as soon as I finished my pint. I was kind of liquored up (read: plastered) and walking was becoming increasingly difficult. At this rate I was either gonna wind up passed out on a park bench choking on my own vomit or become a victim of crime. I wasn’t really down for either of those options so I kept trekkin’ on.

In my drunken stupor I was fitting right in to Britain. People were high-fivin’ me as I passed and sayin’ shit like… “Yeah, Mate! You’re Pissed!” I knew that I had to get off the street because I was going to stumble at anytime, but ever bar a passed was a bar and not a pub. I didn’t want to talk, I wanted to drink and hear some old British dudes argue about how their Bird ain’t got shit in common with Princess Diana and she’s been dead for a minute and you still can’t talk shit on her.

The best I found was what looked like a cross between a Friday’s and a college bar. The floor was kind of sticky, the population was a little shady and the music was fucking loud. I tossed like 5 quid on the bar and demanded a Guinness & Black

BAR KEEP
Guinness and Black?

COOPRDOG
Black Currant Man!

The barkeep smiles and nods his head and gets busy. A few minutes later a have a freshly cascading Pint in a proper Guinness glass and it the center of the effervescing foam is the dark red (like purple) residue of where the Currant went it. It makes the pint very balanced and makes the aftertaste a pleasure. There are purists out there who despise the idea of anything in your Guinness. I, for example, have no respect for the Black & Tan and I hate to see it. As if my Guinness is some fucking high school experiment. I mean sure, I do the same density trick when I make my world famous 420 Iced tea…but this is different, this is drinking…(this ain’t ‘Nam Smokey…There’s rules).

As I make my way through the bar I’m trying to decide if I should try and do the whole eye-contact thing or if I should just sit down next to the next hot chick I see and see what I can make happen. I’m about half way through the pro-con argument with myself when I see something I thought I wasn’t going to encounter…a Golden Tee machine.

You have got to be fucking kidding me. I ran over there like a little kid and emptied my pockets of all their quid. I selected the back 9 of a course that didn’t know and got ready for battle. As I teed up on the first hole I felt someone watching over my shoulder.

Keep in mind that I’m kind of fucked up and the track ball on this machine is not what I’d call properly calibrated (it’s ass)…but still I’m smacking the ball 270-290 yards. I’m even after two holes and then this dude over my shoulder starts givin’ me advice. Now, I’m a friendly guy…but piss off…I’m playin’ golf…get your own machine.

We begin to chat a little and I wind up letting him hit the next ball. Ok, this guy is plastered…I mean I’m kinda plastered, but he’s like really fucking plastered. But he can stand so I think he’s ok to play. He tee’s up and smacks the ball. It’s an ugly slice the lands him deep in the rough on the side of the fairway. He curses and I let him take the next swing and it’s even uglier but he gets some spin on it and it lands on the fairway. He winds up being two over on his first hole; not bad…but c’mon dude…you were givin’ me lesson’s a few minutes ago. We continued to drink and play. I started trying to short cut shit and managed to hit every single fucking tree around this one hole…and I still beat him by two strokes. And for all you Golden Tee-er’s out there…we were playin’ stroke play which I really don’t like because you’re really just waiting for someone to make a mistake whereas when you play Skins – every hole is different (there is a pot for each hole, the lowest stoke wins the hole. If two golfers tie for the low number of strokes, the wager (Skin) is carried over to the next hole and the two purses are added this continues till one person undershoots everyone else) so it’s really a game of momentum (and not getting’ too fucked up to putt (Yes, That was a crack on The Gamb….who’s the Gamb…hah, I ain’t got the pages to explain that shit Sun…back to the story.) Another round of pints and we’re on the last hole (I don’t know…somebody brought’em over, somebody left them…I don’t fucking remember…but I didn’t pay for shit and neither did the other dude.) The free acquisition of the beverages and the geometrically declining Golden Tee play of the both of us…made us like good friends…but don’t get me wrong, I still whipped his ass! Golden Tee is fucking Golden Tee, I don’t give a fuck how drunk you are.

So I win and I do a little dance and rub it in this guy’s face that my Yankee ass just spanked him. He tells me his name is Badger and he offers to buy the next round. We’re drinking, we’re chatting and the dude’s like looking at me. I mean not like he was about to kiss me or anything, but he had this look on his face.

BADGER
You play sports?

COOPRDOG
Sports?

BADGER
Yeah, you know …exercise

COOPRDOG
I lift, I play a little flag football

BADGER
Flag-Football? What are you afraid of gettin’ hit?

COOPRDOG
Uh, yes as a matter of fact…I have to work in the morning.

BADGER
You should play Rugby.

It was then that I realized that this guy was wearing a windbreaker with a Rugby club stitched into the back. He knows like tons of people in this bar. I get introduced to like 10 or 15 people in about 6 minutes. He then stops drinking and looks square at me.

BADGER
So what are you doing here in England?

COOPRDOG
I’m a filmmaker from the states. I’m here screening my film.

BADGER
You flew all the way to this fucking island just to screen your movie?

COOPRDOG
Yeah.

BADGER
Don’t you have movie theaters in the States…like a fuckload of them!

COOPRDOG
Yeah, we do…but they’re full of fucking Americans

Badger bursts out laughin’ and then toast my pint.

BADGER
Ok..ok…I can’t fuck with you anymore, that was fucking hysterical.

The next thing I know this huge dude comes out of the back and talks to Badger. Now when I say huge I mean like 6’5” 260lbs. They rap for a second and then I see Badger point at me and then the dude and Badger walk over to me.

BADGER
This is Cooprdog. He’s a fucking American.

COOPRDOG
Wassup!

ALEX
So you’re from the States?

COOPRDOG
Yeah

ALEX
Where are your mates?

COOPRDOG
I have no Mates. I’m here by myself.

BADGER
He’s been traveling around the fucking country side talking to fucking sheep and shit.

COOPRDOG
I said I looked at a sheep. I never said I spoke to the sheep.

BADGER
I think he fucked a sheep

COOPRDOG
I did not fuck any sheep.

ALEX
Sheep. That’s plural. Just how many sheep did you fuck? I mean fuck, man! Save some for the farmers.

COOPRDOG
First of all it’s both singular and plural.

BADGER
See…that’s a drunk man talking.

COOPRDOG
I am not drunk…I’m getting’ drunk and I will probably eventually be drunk but I can still whip a motherfuckers ass in Golden Tee.

BADGER
It was one game you cheeki fucker!

COOPRDOG
Hey…in the states. A “W” is a “W”…you’re just mad because you have and L…which I believe stands for Looooser!

ALEX
Oh he’s fucking mental!

BADGER
Tell me about it. This American is trouble.

Just then this black guy comes over, he’s also a friend of Badger. His name is Mark and he is a hella sarcastic.

MARC
What’s up man. I’m just gonna dap your hand cause I don’t want none of that sticky American juice on my hands.

Everybody started laughing, me included. I was fucking hammered and these cats were rippin’ on me for the being a Yankee…but I was meeting like tons of people and the bartenders just keep the pints coming. I had no idea what time it was or how much longer I’d be standing…all I knew is that I had to take a piss.

On my way to the head I bumped into this British MILF in the back of the bar drinking wine and bitchin’ about men.

MILF
Oh look at this one…he’s thinks he’s a fucking American Cowboy.

COOPRDOG
I’m not actually a cowboy, but I’ll ride you like I was one.

It just kind of flew out of my mouth and she wasn’t expecting it. It could go either way and the longer she waited to respond the worse her reaction was probably going to be

MILF
Why don’t you take your little friend in the room and stop by on your way out.

I did as I was told. I continued into the pisser wondering if I just got blown off. I took what had to have been the world’s fastest piss, washed the Mitts and was out the door.

As soon as I exited she waved me over. I sat down, I got cozy and I started flirting. There was laughing, there was touching…I was starting to think that getting fucked was a given…now fucking both of them…hmm…is that even possible?

Next thing I know the dude Marc is standing right next to me.

MARC
Hey. We’re about to play Golden Tee so you can defend your title.

COOPRDOG
Let’s do it.

I told the Chica’s I’d be back and I followed Mark to the Golden Tee Machine but only he walked past it and back to the bar. He led me to Alex and Badger.

BADGER
I mean what the fuck was that?

MARC
He likes old birds and sheep. He’s outta control.


COOPRDOG
What, rugby guys don’t get pussy? I’m spending like $2K to be over here…I’m fucking something.

BADGER
That’s a poor attitude that only gonna get you smothered to death by some big girl who sweats too much.

MARC
Man, I did not need that visual

ALEX
Totally Mate!

BADGER
I did it for the American.

COOPRDOG
Ok..can I have a nickname other than “the American”

BADGER
Sure …sheep fucker.

ALEX
Ahh that’s right, you like to fuck sheep!

COOPRDOG
Listen I fucked one sheep…but she was fucking asking for it.

Everybody starts laughing.

COOPRDOG
I mean I really was just trying to punisher her for being bad sheep…you know…and she started movin’ and shit.

BAR CROWD
Ooohh….ahh…fuck you! Shut up!

COOPRDOG
And I had her right there so I had to give her a couple of pumps…you know….. just to see if she could take it.

BAR CROWD
Really, shut the fuck up!

COOPRDOG
OH, now nobody wants to talk sheep…you fucking pussies! A real man can talk sheep fucking in any state of mind. I’m a Sheep fucking American and I just can’t take it anymore!

Ok…I was drunk at this point. But they stop calling me Sheep fucker so it was worth it.

I went to take my second piss but the Chica’s didn’t look up when I passed them. I was going to reintroduce myself…but I think she knew what happened and if I go over there I’m going to regret it…it’s best to lay low. I took yet another gargantuan piss and staggered back to the group.

There was a bit of a ruckus at the bar when I returned.

MARC
These fuckers already called last call.

COOPRDOG
When.

ALEX
Yeah, that’s what I said. They obviously want us the fuck out.

Now, had I have been sober I would have immediately realized the trend here…but I was wasted so it took me a while to put two and two together.

We broke the fuck out of that bar (Me, Badger, Marc and Alex) and began to walk up the fucking street. They were loud and obnoxious…my kind of party.

MARC
So I take it you’ve never been out with these blokes before?

COOPRDOG
Uh, no.

MARC
Yeah well, you’re in for a real treat.

I wasn’t quite sure what the fuck he was talking about till I started to listen to the conversation that Badger and Alex were having.

ALEX
I want to go

BADGER
No, you don’t

ALEX
Listen Mate. It’s been a Royally fucked night and now I’m losing my buzz, I want to see some titties.

BADGER
Yes, I understand but you don’t want to go to Vauxhall.

ALEX
Why the fuck not.

Badger was walking quickly but he begins to walk even more quickly as he takes a huge drag off of his cigarette.

BADGER
Listen…I love a nice set of pink nips like the next guy, but let me tell you about Vauxhall. You don’t want to go to Vauxhall, all right. There’s only three types of people who go to Vauxhall; Cops, spies and judges. And I know this because a Cop took me once and introduced me to a judge and a spy.

MARC
Badger is out of control

BADGER
Believe you me Mate, that’s not what I’d call the friendliest crowd to spectate with and it’s only a matter of time till you get, shot, kidnapped or charged with a serious crime.

At this point Badger started handing out cigarettes to the entire group and when he got to me I decline.

COOPRDOG
I don’t smoke.

BADGER
(beat) What do you mean…you don’t smoke?

COOPRDOG
I don’t smoke.

BADGER
Lemme ask you something, are you a woman.

COOPRDOG
No.

BADGER
Are you French?

COOPRDOG
Uh…no.

BADGER
Then you’re a man and men smoke when they drink.

COOPRDOG
But I don’t smoke.

BADGER
Yeah well it’s time you started you fuckin’ panzee.

And with that Badger lit a cigarette and stuck it in my mouth. So now I’m faking being a smoker as we quickly walk up the sidewalk. Then we all heard this sound…very loud and very bad Drum & Bass music. It was emitting from a rather small car with lots of ground effects and hella tinted windows.

BADGER
(Yelling): Mate! I can’t hear your stereo could you fucking turn it up!

People begin to laugh on the street.

BADGER
See, that’s why we need guns. If we had guns, none of that shit would be going on.

Suddenly we stopped in front of this bar. I was kind of pushed to the back so the Rugby team could do the negotiations. So hard looks were exchanged and then the bouncer pointed at me.

COOPRDOG
What’s going in?

MARC
These cheeki fuckers won’t let us in, they say it’s after last call, but they just let a whole group of birds in.

COOPRDOG
Chicks get over on a regular.

MARC
I know. And without the Blokes, who’s going to buy the fucking drinks and make jokes…who’s running this shit?

Badger gets animated and then Marc approaches to try to broker the deal. He returns to give me an update.

MARC
Yeah, that’s not going to happen.

COOPRDOG
Why what’s the deal?

MARC
Well it’s kind of tough to get into the bar when you beat the shit out of the bouncers last week.

COOPRDOG
You guys mixed it up with the bouncers?

MARC
No, the rugby team mixed it up with the bouncers.

COOPRDOG
You’re not on the team?

MARC
Are you fucking nuts? I like my ear lobes and my teeth…I’m just a hanger-on. Besides he hates American’s so…

COOPRDOG
Really?

MARC
Oh, that was like the first thing he said after “I don’t feel like tussling with you two”. I don’t know what to tell you Mate, a lot of people hate the US and your president. I mean you’re like cool as shit, if I were you I’d lie and say you’re from Canada.

I didn’t know if Marc was serious of not, but as we got rejected from the next three bars and nearly got into two street fights (these dudes really like to mix it up)…I was really considering going the Canadian route. And then we came upon this one bar with a bunch of hot chicks standing outside. Badger knew all of them and started rapping with them.

Suddenly there was a plan for us to get in. The chick he knows used to fuck the dude at the door and now there was a deal on the table. He looked us over and she whispered in his ear and he still didn’t look like he was with it…and then she grabbed his cock. Ok, I didn’t actually see her hand on his cock but her hand went forward to his crotch, he leaned forward, she whispered something in his ear…and then he let us in.

I think this chick agreed to be assfucked if he’d let us in. Now that’s what I call a friend.

It’s way past midnight and this place is still serving. We immediately order like three rounds of pints and started flirting with every chick in sight. I was doing my stand up thing, rub up against a nice tight British chicks ass and she smiled (should I press my luck?)

I, of course, had to take a piss and when I went to the back of the bar…I saw the same chicks that I was hitting on in the first bar.

COOPRDOG
Hey…

MILF
Heeey…. What’s up? I see you found a place to drink.

COOPRDOG

It’s been a total fucking ordeal.

MILF
All you had to do was follow us…but I guess your friends are more important.

Did you hear that? That was the sound of my pussy opportunity bursting.

Over the next 6 minutes I really ran at her and she was polite but wasn’t buying

MILF
Under normal circumstances I’d get on my knees and bite a pillow and let you have at it…but I kind of like this guy I’ve met.

COOPRDOG
Have you gone out with him yet?

MILF
No, but I don’t want to jinx it.

COOPRDOG
How are you jinxing it?

MILF
Because I have a good feeling about him…and I’m still willing to play, that’s not good…besides, you don’t really want to fuck me…you just want to fuck someone.

COOPRDOG
True, but I was really hoping it was you, cause your ass is slammin’

MILF
You’re sweet…maybe next week if this guy fucks up.

And with that I decided to sail on. I mean I guess if I would have played it differently I might have gone home with her…whatever.

Badger was pretty upset by this point. He was waiting for a hook-up and his boy apparently got popped by the Bobbies…so now he’s dry. He’s on a mission to score more and wants us to go with.

I took a hard look around at the four of us, how drunk we are and how offensive we are to passers-by. I decided to cut my losses and bid this dude farewell. I shook some hands and gave them the last copy of SLZ….I then caught a taxi back to Mr. Keats flat and passed the fuck out..

I was at Heathrow less than 6 hours later and by the time I cleared security I had forgotten nearly all the crazy shit that happened.

England is a fucking cool-ass place…I have to move here one day.

COOPRDOG

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