Wednesday, August 30, 2006

This ain’t no fucking calling card short

Ok this really needs to be said because a lot of you hater-ade drinking, romantic comedy loving, unoriginal idea having automatons who call yourselves producers - have made a number of charges about my film as I have been exhibiting it – this is not a calling card short film! (and I don’t have to take this shit! This interview is over!)

Let’s set the record straight shall we: the calling card short film is big on its aesthetic, big on it’s ability to emulate popular directors/films/genres in a spoofing and sometimes epic manner. They are short on vision and long on style and the singular intention is to arouse curiosity about the director and get him a deal.

That’s not what I am doing. I am attempting to make a change in the cinema while I make all of you my minions and to be offered oral sex every time I screen this film. Ok seriously, I’m strictly in it for the blowjobs but I mean full blown sex is just a paternity suit waiting to happen (but now that Plan B is over the counter maybe I can fuck around a little “how’s your orange juice taste baby?”) I mean who the fuck are producers to have an opinion? I need you to get me drugs and hide the bodies…that’s what I need my producer to do. If I wanted to solicit opinions I’d join one of the many LA screenwriting groups (if one geriatric dog can’t win a race…what the fuck makes you think a pack of them can?) and listen to the jaded and clichéd offer me advice about how to write kiddie lit and avoid all political content; that’s about as much fun as sucking cock in the back of a horse trailer (it’s your mom’s quote so what are you really getting mad at).

I have a plan…and it begins with all women wearing white cotton panties on Fridays….ahh shit that’s the wrong plan… hold on… ok here we go. I have a plan at it’s going to make me rich! – uh with the knowledge that I am making a difference (I mean are you buying that a little? Note to self- don’t smoke the bomb shit before you blog) Ok for real, for real…we made this short to establish a genre. Did you hear that amongst your gulps of that trippio and your stale-ass biscotti? I have larger aims than getting your attention (I want to get your bankers attention). All this talk of just trying to get a little attention is nonsense. I am trying to get a lot of attention – think like natural disaster attention (and in case you don’t know my politics - Fuck FEMA!). But we are more than just marketing. We are a cheap date with a vague short term memory (so you can stop saying that you love me). I mean other than showing our wares like a $2 hooker (and have you seen the mileage on a $2 hooker) what else do we really accomplish at a festival (and who is really getting’ laid at the festivals? Fess up… I mean I know Chris Gore isn’t gettin’ all the pussy) other than getting a casual glimpse at your competition.

My plan is simple. Shoot something totally fucking killer, believe in it, have a plan for it.. and compare your shit to everyone else’s. Well to do that you have to get accepted to the festivals. And if you haven’t guessed…we aren’t exactly the gold standard for festival acceptance (but we are the gold standard for making a drunken spectacle). So we have had to hustle and perform sexual favors to get this film screened. And while I am on the topic of sexual favors I’d like to set the record straight on this one. I was recently at a party where I was joking (I was being serious actually) about sleeping with people to gain money and favors for my film. A woman in the small crowd I was addressing (more like entertaining cause I was doing my Eddie Murphy thing) remarked “c’mon…are you serious.. that’s not funny, I feel sad for you”. And I responded by saying “Look, I fuck people that I am not attracted to all the time; if I can get something for my film in the process – it’s a no brainer.” That comment didn’t exactly get me nominated for visionary filmmaker of the year award or maybe it was the pics on my hard drive when I flew out of Thailand that had something to do with it – I don’t know.

So what we had planned to do was to cause a little bit of a stir (tell me that’s not an old-white lady word) and see what happens. Yeah well….it’s doing that slowly and surely. I mean the programmers are arguing about whether or not it is really a film and whether or not it deserves to be included. The debate about Sex-Love separates us from the field of would-be feature shooters….that was the aim. The title is unique (just google it if you don’t believe me) and memorable. We are building our audience viewer by viewer. We are branding Big Hit Productions in a very tangible and sincere manner. That’s what we are doing. So all you “oh it’s another calling card wanna be” – motherfuckers need to shut the fuck up. I mean how did you get so bitter anyway? This is the film industry, anything is possible.

Ok that’s my 25 cents. And since we are on the opinion portion of the blog I’d like to be the first filmmaker to say that it was fucked up what the did to Pluto. How you just gonna kick my man out of the solar system like that? I mean he’s been here since jump. Once again the man is leaning on somebody about some bullshit. Next thing you know Pluto gonna get two strikes and wind up on the “Don’t Fly” list. Fight the power Pluto – these motherfuckers got to die at some time.

And one last thing. 7-11 raised the ATM fees at all So-Cal locations. Now if this isn’t the biggest bunch of price gouging bullshit then you tell me what it. Yeah I know I could go to the bank and not pay any fees whatsoever. But that would mean making a plan and having some ID…and that’s a tough call before my first bowl (and I ain’t talk about cereal).

Ok I also have a bit of house keeping. If you have been paying attention to this blog (you better be payin’ attention) then you know that we have this massive screening about to happen next month. As a reward to the faithful readers we are offering a 2-for-1 ticket offer for blog readers (you perverts know who you are). If you are interested in attending the screening and scoring some of our subsidized tickets then send us an email (sexloveandzparts@yahoo.com) or if you think you need to talk to me you can hit me directly (cooprdog@aol.com) but be advised that this does hit my blackcherry…so you get unfettered access to dick jokes and profanity (but in a good way). So don’t be afraid and don’t be lunchin’ (lunchin’=lunching=at lunch= not paying attention). The screening is on the 10th of September just go to the site and click on the screenings link if you are confused (www.sexloveandzparts.com).

Ok you probably have porno to download or an ex-GF to stalk (I know, you just want to make sure she is safe)…

Laters

COOPRDOG

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