Monday, August 14, 2006

The saga continues

Ok so .. I am out of the first screening. This is where there is supposed to be lot’s of flirting with women and money people not to mention some sincere conversation with other filmmakers. Too bad there is just three of us in the audience (well a few more came in during the screening). The two filmmakers gave a nice Q&A only I wasn’t really that interested in the shooting stories…the doc really depressed me.

So now I am ripping through the program lookin’ for another film to screen. See this is where it gets tricky. I mean you can go by title…but that’s about as accurate as picking the basketball team with the tallest players. I decide to kill a few minutes and walk around.

We are up on the second floor, it’s like a festival of posters because they have mounted each poster on some plastic looking insulation and personally I fuckin’ hate it. I mean I didn’t complain (ok I didn’t complain…complain) but c’mon dude. How the fuck you gonna glue my onesheet to a plastic board. Where in the illustrious history of the cinema has this been accepted? Festivals – stop making up your own rules. You know when you go to a baseball game, you know that they will use bats and bases… and that’s all I am asking for. A little respect for the art form, is it that much to ask?

Ok so all I really care about at this point in my festival-run is funding my feature. I mean if it will make you feel better I will tell you that I like being around my peers and seeing their work shown on a screen. Yeah ok…that’s about all the happy shit I can spew in one paragraph. I mean let’s kick the ballistic shall we….most filmmakers whose films I have seen can’t even be bothered to come and defend their prints let alone participate in a festival. It’s like me,Yoda & Det. Budd.. trying to drink enough and smoke enough to keep up the average. And that is really disappointing.. I mean c’mon people.. it’s a festival.. you are supposed to be fucked up all the time and make snarky statements to all non-film people.

But they seem not to understand the spirit here in Long Beach.. so that is about to change. But it’s gonna be another day till Det. Budd can be here full time so it’s up to me to hold it down.

Ok.. so I have decided that I am going to see this short about breaking records…or breaking cinder blocks… well all I really know is it’s about guys breakin’ shit… so I am in. And when I get to the screening room… there is a small group of filmmakers talkin’ shop. I choose to sit behind them.. and listen. It’s the typical filmmaker bullshit. Everyone is hella fuckin’ talented and shooting is really easy for them. I mean why do filmmakers front like this. I am a real filmmaker. I have no fuckin’ idea what is going to happen when I say “action”; and nobody does… that’s why it’s so fuckin’ hard… assuming that you have killer intellectual property and a competent crew. But yet again I have to overhear about the amazing production that shot 15 days on $900 and got everything donated and then they got their balls sucked in the frozen food section by some hot producer chicks. I mean who really believes this shit? Would you really be at a no name festival screening on DVD to empty seats (of course I am doing research…that’s why I am here). But seriously, why all the pretending. I tell them like it is. “yes I am high…no I don’t care what you think”. I think the whole thing is the approach to the situation. I have a plan for world domination… I mean to get my feature made. And I am stickin’ to it. I really don’t get along with the hobbyists…and the “I just had to tell this story”… here’s a couple of terms for you to learn…..”storyboard”… “blocking”…”pacing”… I mean we have to get better. (and by we I mean you).

Anyway the film is not playing… they are only looping the trailer. Personally, this would send me into a rage. I mean nothing says “I’m not paying attention” like a 90 second trailers looping forever. But hey, maybe that’s how these motherfuckers get down…in karate land. So I continue to listen to “America’s greatest filmmaking stories” as I search for my gummy colas. I live and die by my supply of gummy colas and I can’t seem to find any in my bag. Did I buy gummy colas on the way down the 710? Ok, maybe I do have a drug problem…but whatever, I can’t really contemplate this right now.

So I exit screening room number 3 (whomever said three is the magic number doesn’t know what the fuck he is talkin’ about). So now what am I going to do? I don’t want to see any of the films, other than this one, in this section… so what’s a jaded and cynical director to do?

I broke out my PSP. Yeah say what you want, call me names…I don’t fuckin’ care. I am a gamer and I am proud to admit it. Not only do I have better hand-eye coordination and the ability to entertain myself endlessly with 2 dimensional images…but I am really efficient when I beat my cock, so there. Now I’m not going to go into the merits of handheld gaming; and which system is better (Nintendo DS sucks balls) I mean it’s all about the player and the games you like to play. What do I like to play? Well I am glad you asked. I am in it for the driving, the shooting and the killing. I don’t play puzzle games (if I wanted to increase my mental capacity I would read)..and I don’t play Mario anything (dude Mario was in his 50”s when I was in college.. he needs to retire… and so does his boy in the Zelda series). If you aren’t yelling out things and dodging your head from side to side because of the frame rate… then you just ain’t gaming. But I realize that some of you are broke.. and some of you just plain have bad taste…so I have taken it upon myself to create the first ever (in this blog asshole) PSP game buying guide.

Hi and welcome to the first annual PSP game buying guide. My name is Cooprdog and I’ll be swearing and takin’ bong hits as I go over the hot, not so hot, and truly shit games for the PSP. Ok here goes nothin’..


Coded Arms: This game totally fuckin’ sucks. I mean ok.. it was a launch title and launch titles tend to suck…but this one really sucks…like a 12 yr old prostitute (no I didn’t have sex with a 12 yr old.. that’s sick…she was 16 and was reminiscing on her “childhood”)… anyway.. I don’t have one nice thing to say about this game. I mean where do you want me to start? The booty-ass control configuration. I mean all you programmers that think it’s cool to design games where you have to tilt the gun up and down and strafe left to right to line up a target…that’s not fun. I mean you got some 6-headed monster with a plasma rifle lightin’ you up.. and your guy is stuck staring at the floor. Not only is it unrealistic…but you can’t see shit…you guys can do better. But my biggest pet peeve is the AI on the bad guys. I mean the control config is so choppy you couldn’t line up a straight shot at a barn if you were driving a Winnebago (that’s a RV for all you non-east coast people)….yet.. every single bad guy in this game is a fuckin’ sniper. I mean especially the guys with the plasma grenades. For those of you that don’t game a plasma grenade is the particle of energy that attaches to your guy.. and blinks for several seconds before it detonates. It’s a cool weapon, but the projectile travels on an arc so you have to do math and shit to calculate where to aim….unless you are a bad guy… then you can hit a parakeet from 50 paces leaning back on one leg while nursing a shoulder injury. I am not kidding. I mean I can’t even see the guys half the time because apparently I am the only motherfucker in this game without a scope. That’s bullshit. And speaking of bullshit…what is the deal with the power-ups? I mean do I really need to carry 6 guns that couldn’t drop a pregnant dog? Who would fight in this war? But seriously, the worst part of the game (and there are really bad parts, like 15 stories tall boss characters that can out shoot, out run and out think you (why would you pick a fight with this guy…I mean on top of all of that he’s butt-ugly and shoots laser beams out of his eyes?)…has to be the spider bugs that jump on you and explode. Man I fuckin’ hate those things…and no matter how ready you are they still get you… fuck this game!

Burnout Legends: This game is the shit. I would argue that it’s one of the prettiest lookin’ games on the PSP.. and man is it realistic. I mean when you crash.. your car flips over and sometimes catches fire…now that’s what I call racing. The frame rate is so fast that when you get good.. you run out of track (a weird thing where the PSP can’t build the environments fast enough for the speed you are driving)… you come around a turn.. vying for first place and everything is gray.. and then bam.. the road materializes. The game is hella fun.. cause you can crash motherfuckers… there is actually a crash mode… but I hate crash mode… so save that for when you are really high. This is a really addictive game because it has great music and the physics of the game work really nicely with the controls of the PSP…this is a must have.

Ridge Racer: Man this game is boring… and easy. I won the first 10 races while playing with one hand and smoking a blunt…which should not be possible if you are really driving at 200mph. Pretty lookin’ game..that’s pretty bad. Avoid at all costs.

Need for Speed: Underground Rivals: Ok so I am a big fan of the NFS franchise since the first one appeared on the PSone. And I absolutely lover Need For Speed: Underground on the PS2…that game is more fun that your sister after a few shots of Jack (hey.. I brought her home on time!)..so I had to get the PSP version of it. It’s a different feel than Burnout (which is very slick).. and it’s slower paced in the beginning… but you will learn to like this game…but there is this annoying thing where they put traffic in your entry and exit lines for turns…it’s a really cheap way to make you lose races…but as you mod your car.. the game does become fun… and it’s got killer music as well…not my favorite… but a vital part of my collection.

Need For Speed Most Wanted: Ok so I had such a good experience with underground rivals that I bought the new one. I hate this fuckin’ game! The premise is that you are one of a number of street racers trying to set records and avoid the cops. The only problem is… the cops have nitros as well. That means that when you pass a cop (whose hold-up in a station wagon) doing 115mph and you get on the NOS.. he can reel you in as you approach 180 MPH. Now I’m no fuckin’ physicists or anything…but that seems to be just on the other side of “utterly and completely fuckin’ impossible”. But that is not my beef. My beef is two fold. Number 1…what type of a self respecting street racer cannot build a car that can out run his local cops? And why would you race in a town where the cops are better drivers than you. If you buy this game you will smash your PSP while shouting that it’s all bullshit….avoid at all costs.

Infected: This is the one. I am talkin’ zombie killin’ at its best. Splattering blood.. mutant Santa Claus’ wielding chainsaws… screaming chicks shooting rocket launchers. This game is nuts and it encourages you to kill (the faster you kill the faster you upgrade your weapons).. but the best part of the game is the phony news reports about zombies taking over New York city. It’s classic zombie horror. I mean when you kill multiple zombies the game congratulates you by throwing up signs like “meaty death” and “genocide”…one thing you should know is that if you play this game you will utter things like “I just killed so many fuckin’ people”.. and “I want you to meet my little friend”. It’s all about killing. I mean if you have 3 hours to kill or are really mad at someone who’s not returning your calls.. just pop this motherfucker in and go nuts. You’ll play till the battery dies…no bullshit.

Pursuit Force: This is a very fun game. It’s like a hybrid of Grand theft and Driver… high speed.. funny dialogue.. it was practically written for filmmakers. But the game is kind of cheap because you have to constantly jump from car to car (because they have a nasty tendency to catch fire and explode when you get shot at) and in the hard parts of the game there are never cars to jump to (that’s fuckin’ bullshit BTW!!). But it is fun…nice was to utilize the PSP controls… and it’s a very pretty game to watch….but really cheap on how the computer cheats…be forewarned.

WRC Racing Championship: This game is like pussy (no bullshit). I mean as I black guy, I personally couldn’t give a shit about white guys with too much horsepower and not enough brains who like to race around the sides of mountains on snow covered ledges at 90 mph. I used to watch the crashes on the speed channel (also know as the crazy white people channel in the ‘hood) and wonder what the fuck would possess Chip and Palmer to risk their lives at such a crazy sport (well not as crazy as bull riding…but if you watch the OLN network you already have hella problems so I won’t even comment). Anyway, in the game there isn’t a map to the course. Just some British guy saying shit like “long easy left” and “chicane”… which normally don’t mean shit to my urban living ass…that is until I flipped over my Ford focus at 155mph and flew off the side of a mountain. That shit was crazy. And now I am totally addicted. I mean unlike other racing games you really shouldn’t practice the courses….just look for the vanishing point (look it up Poindexter) and listen to Mr. Brit. This is a very cinematic game that will make you say things like “I fucked that up….I fucked that up”. I mean I think rally racing with black guys driving and Brit guys reading the map would make great TV. You’d have the Brit saying things like “Caution…hard left” and the brother would be saying shit like “Damn dog…you got to say somethin’ other than caution…. like how about – slow the fuck down you are about to kill us”. This game is so much fun that I have to restrict my playing time.

ok.. so… I brought Infected with me to the festival. And I am killing every motherfucker I see. I am not here to rescue anybody…so get that out of your head. I am the last man standing… and it’s going to stay that way. I am on my second board.. and I just shot Santa in the face with a shottie (man that feels better than cumming on an ex-GF after you promised you wouldn’t (I mean she’s already your ex…what the fuck is she gonna do?)

And here comes Yoda.

YODA
You need to stop being so antisocial.

COOPRDOG
Please.. have you spoken to these filmmakers. I have had better conversations with police officers.

YODA
Well what are you doing to make it better?

COOPRDOG
What.. man I have been straight for 2 hours….that’s a lot for me.

YODA
How about you go make some friends.?

COOPRDOG
How about we go smoke a fattie?

YODA
Cooprdog!

COOPRDOG
Alright…alright. But let the record show that I am still the all time serial Santa killer.


So now I have to make friends. But like these cats hate me and my film. They are just jealous because I shot film and people give me drugs. I mean that’s what it’s all about, Jealousy.

Look at all the sizing up everyone else. I mean let’s be honest. Most of us are going to be back manning the French fryer on Monday… so why all the pretense? Because it’s all filmmakers have. I mean do you know how easy it is to make a filmmaker cry… try this.

“Man I can believe that digibeta tape just caught fire like that….I mean what is the director of “Mommy Loves me More” gonna do now?”

“what… that’s my film… holy shit”

…and he runs off crying and trying to figure out why god is punishing him. It’s great fun at a festival. Or how about this one: “yeah I heard the only reason the let that film in is because it’s exactly 8 min’s and 45 seconds and that’s the exact amount of time they needed to set up the reels for the feature that all the people in the theater were really there to see.”

Ok..maybe I am being mean (yeah whatever… is this a fuckin’ beauty pageant… and if it is..your film is the fat chick from west Virginia)…but filmmakers are notorious assholes… so why not get in the first blow. Want to have a lot of fun at a festival…try hooking up with the volunteer who is running the screening for a film that you hate. It’s gonna be tough for her to make sure the film starts on time and is in focus if you are banging the shit out of her in the bathroom. Not that I have ever done something like that…I am an artist..and I respect women.

Ok.. so it’s getting a little more crowded now. I mean people are showing up. I chat up a few doc shooters who like to pick on us fictional narrative shooters….here is a typical exchange:

DOC SHOOTER
Hey do you have a film in competition?

COOPRDOG
No, I am just here for the stale popcorn and the waffle marks on my ass.

DOC SHOOTER
Ha.. you are funny. So what’s your film?

COOPRDOG
Sex, Love & Z-Parts

DOC SHOOTER
Is that a doc

COOPRDOG
Uh..no


DOC SHOOTER
You say that like you have a problem with doc’s.

COOPRDOG
Well… I just don’t think I could shoot a doc.

DOC SHOOTER
Why ‘cause you need stunts and explosions to tell your story?

COOPRDOG
No…I just am really attached to things like blocking, rehearsals, color timing, multiple cameras and shit like that.

DOC SHOOTER
Well it’s really rewarding and you can do amazing work with just a camera and a sound guy

COOPRDOG
So I have heard. But it doesn’t help me practice for when I am going to blow $30MM in pre production..


..and the doc shooter walks off. Yoda approaches and asks if I am making friends. I say yes (it’s always better to lie to your publicist) and we make our way to another screening.

This is a section of female hit men (person’s…people…I mean how ever you want to phrase it). Nice stories but I am distracted by some of the rudimentary shooting techniques. Yoda tells me I am hating….yeah whatever…I liked the film essentially, I just don’t believe in using a skateboard for a dolly shot….call me crazy.

We meet the filmmakers and most are really cool…esp. the French guy with the dark thriller that he just shot as a trailer. This guy is definitely going to get funded (anyone with an accent is artistic in film….get used to it….even more so when there shit sucks). So I am feeling a little heat. I don’t know if I should congratulate him on his film or strangle him….who says filmmaking is fun…lies….lies I tell you!

COOPRDOG

1 Comments:

Blogger Lucie Simone said...

You're too fucking funny for Long Beach.

12:45 PM  

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