Monday, June 26, 2006

Opening Ceremonies

Ok so this is the kick off screening. There is a red carpet and lot’s of press. Man I am all about it. Me and Budd make our way over to the red carpet and decide to do a little mingling. Yeah well security is not having it. The biggest, blackest motherfucker I have ever seen is guarding the door (I mean do they grow this guys on the ugly motherfucker farm or what?) He stops us and we wave our filmmaker credentials. I mean I was under the impression that when you waved a filmmaker credential that men gave you money and women gave you their panties…but our credentials seem to be defective because this dude is less than happy to see us.

He tells us that we belong over there “in the line”… and then Budd went into action.

DETECTIVE BUDD
Well I figured since our collective $50 fees are paying for all this pomp and circumstance bullshit that we’d stand here and see just how exclusive the celebrities are that you are using our money to bribe.

The dude just walks away.

DETECTIVE BUDD
I’m sorry I thought this was a film festival.

So 30 min’s later and we have still seen no celebs…and I am smelling a rat.

Detective Budd informs me that he is holdin’ (my kind of detective) so we slip around the back to toke and get busted by a few filmmakers. It went down like this:

FADE IN TO EXT. PARKING LOT

Cooprdog and Detective Budd are hunched near the wall taking turns hittin’ the weed pipe.

Theodore, Winston and few other bougie’ motherfuckers round the corner and happen upon Cooprdog & Det. Budd.

THEODORE
Oh my

COOPRDOG
My bad yo..

DET. BUDD
Oh God, It’s dying… here let me give it mouth to mouth.

WINSTON
I mean really gentlemen

COOPRDOG
Hey, you're kinda of supposed to get high at a festival…that’s the point asshole!


…anyway Theo went to get security and we kinda made a run for it. A half hour later we came back and act like we didn’t know what the fuck people we talkin’ about…works every time…man I love LA.

Ok so we decide that we need to walk down the red carpet….but noooooo! We aren’t allowed. You see we are just measly filmmaker, you have to be a celebrity to walk the carpet. Speaking of which where are your fuckin’ celebrities?

This was the first bad omen….the first of several.

Ok so two hours later I didn’t see a single fuckin’ celebrity…and I was told that I had to wait till the VIP’s were seated till I could enter the theater….well fuck you very much! I thought they were all here to see our work?

So they do the whole opening ceremony thing and the jokes are bad and all I want to do is rip a big fart like high school…I mean I wish everyone would lighten the fuck up. We are not here to hear the president speak, we are here to see some films. Something tells me this festival is not going to turn out as I expect.

COOPRDOG

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