Monday, June 26, 2006

On Festival

Film festival fuckin’ suck! There I said it and all you pansy-ass, “please fund my feature”-types ain’t got the balls to speak on this topic. We’ll I am 2 for 85 on festival submissions so I feel safe in screamin’ on the fat bastards that spend your hard earned application fees. First of all, just because you like to watch movies doesn’t mean you are qualified to start a film festival. You need to know what the fuck constitutes a film and what the fuck is a bunch of drunk motherfuckers with a camcorder. Take the last festival I was in (let’s just say it was north of Detroit), I barely got into this festival, I mean I had to suck a fair amount of cock just to get into the main program, but whatever. Now here I am feeling strong, masculine and victorious because I didn’t take no for an answer. So I am sitting in a few of the screenings and I saw some shitty films, no I mean a few were just awful. Why is this? Is there a certain amount of slots kept available for shitty films in competition, just to let people know that filmmaking is hard? I mean there must be. The feature I watched was so bad that the narrative contained Lesbianism, domestic violence, cancer, sibling rivalry, Hiroshima and murder…and the screenwriter went 0-6 in doing any of these topics justice. I mean c’mon…how the fuck is this getting into festivals? Now don’t get me wrong, I smoke a lot of weed (no really)…and even when I am higher than Jesus on a bungee cord I couldn’t see programming that shit.

So how does this happen? Why is it that no matter how competitive the festival is, there are always a fair amount of stinkers? I’ll tell you why. Because they don’t give a fuck! Just admit that you spend all of our applications fees on coke and hookers and which ever film happens to be playing when the festival director busts a nut in the eye of hooker #5…gets in. Go ahead and laugh but at least my theory is plausible. Ahh…but I am getting’ ahead of myself, here is the shit that I am really pissed about and tell me if you concur.

1) $50 is a lot of cheddar: I mean c’mon half of these festival can’t even get real credentials. Shit my neighbor’s 8 yr old can make shitty credentials off of a laptop and a bubble jet, how about making it a “special experience”… I mean…how about actually giving a shit how professional your festival is. This goes for the tickets also. You think it’s funny print your tickets on construction paper? You think you are getting over…yeah well I am about to start a website called www.boguscredentials.com which is a subsidiary of www.fuckyourbullshitfestival.com. I mean I was at a festival where they went across the street and photocopied all the tickets right before handing them out at $8 a piece….could you at least learn to fake it a little better. Some of us are under the impression that we are starting a career (career of debt)…anyway…I’m putting the credential/ticket shit on notice….we see thru you.

2) Filmmakers are not a pain in the ass, they are the reason you are throwing a festival. This shot goes out to a certain black film festival that had literally no celebrities or money people; you owe us an apology. I mean I personally couldn’t give a fuck, I live here in LA. All the money I wasted on your sorry asses I would have smoked by the end of the weekend anyway…so I am not that upset. But you had a lot of people fly in expecting the illusion that you promised them with your incessant emails and website. Where was all the shit that was promised? Why not just call it a birthday party and we could have all brought you presents and broke the fuck out at the end of the first day. You are supposed to like us, and understand us…and understanding filmmakers means that they don’t always read their emails or stand in the right line…so be prepared and stop yelling at them…oh yeah… and the big girl at the registration, yeah.. you know the nasty one…either feed her before her shift or keep her chained to the wall, but her snapping at filmmakers because she wasn’t informed by her own tired-ass boss is unacceptable.

3) Parking: Hey Mr. festival director, where the fuck is everyone supposed to park? If it costs the audience $7-$10 to park before buying a $10 screening ticket….are you really surprised that your turnout is so low. I mean I hate Hollywood film, but if I am gonna go down $20 before my ass even touches a seat, I better see explosions and naked models….you are part of the problem…stop gouging the audience...asshole!

4) $10 to see a festival section; are you fucking serious? Howthefuck am I supposed to get people to pay $10 a head when I as a filmmaker know that much of what will be screened is shit? Lower your prices, $5 is the most anyone will pay to see films at your no-name festival. We know you didn’t blow the $50K on the theater rental…so how about subsidizing the tickets!

5) You must promote. Yeah I know all you festival directors like “viral marketing” which really means “I have a website if they want to find me they will look for me”. Ok this is my biggest beef. You must promote the festival! You must bring large crowds to the festival; not the filmmakers. It’s our job to divert the massive amounts of people cruising the streets into our particular screenings, not to bring people to the festival. You guys are really bad at this. You have to print posters, thousands of them; you have to run ad’s in the local papers, you have to get the local media involved, and the film schools, you have to offer senior discounts and student discounts. What I am driving at is you have to create a festival environment. Now I know that all those activities cut into your profit margin (I mean that’s why they really throw festivals right).. but you have a fiduciary responsibility to do this (look it up Poindexter). And while I am on the topic, hang the fuckin’ onesheets as soon as you get them, I didn’t ship it over night to another country so it could get hung whenever….how about helpin’ a brother out…fuck!

COOPRDOG

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