Tuesday, May 30, 2006

On your feet, camper!

The sound of my blackcherry vibrating on the desk was ominous. Even when it’s on vibrate I can’t get any fucking sleep. I’ve just come off of a three day bender because that’s how I stay creative. Anyway ever since I got this thing I can’t put it the fuck down, I’m thumb scrollin’ like it’s an Olympic event…but what I really need to do is find this fucking thing, because the vibration is really keeping me from entering my coma.

No glasses on, stumbling around a room that is cluttered (and by cluttered I mean shit everywhere). I can’t find the fuckin’ thing! Maybe I left it in stealth mode, or even better I hid it from the Russian spies during one of my drug induced delusions (I am a spy, and they are out to get me!). Ok, that was the fifth ring (fifth!)…the bitch is about to go to voicemail, and we all know how much fun voicemail is.

I mean what better way to confirm your inability to hold a real job and your dependency on recreational pharmaceuticals that to listen to all of your saved voice massages and hear your stoner friends leave messages that start out with “Dude the chick at Ralph’s has the nicest ass”. Of course for my friends there is only one Ralph’s supermarket and only one chick that works there, but hey they are my people so what are you gonna do…anyway back to the story.

So I find the $399 piece of cell phone equipment with a full qwerty keyboard (I eat Treo’s for lunch) and I’m accessing the voicemail. It’s Yoda and man is she pissed. Apparently I am supposed to be discussing my trip to Georgia. Yeah, I know she’s fuckin’ trippin’. There ain’t no fuckin’ way I going down south, to the Red states…have you lost your fuckin’ mind? So I make the call and say hello.

YODA
Hello…

COOPRDOG
Hey it’s me..

YODA
Well it’s nice to know you take your cock out of your hand every once in a while.

COOPRDOG
Be nice to me it’s still morning

YODA
Ya, in the fucking UK…it’s 4pm.

COOPRDOG
Yeah but I am still on east coast time

YODA
Yeah well it’s 1pm there….is it really a surprise the US is falling behind the rest of the civilized world?

COOPRDOG
Did you have a reason for the phone call, or do you just need to work on a few more jokes for the next premiere.

YODA
You know I’m fuckin’ funny…so you need to give me my props.


Great, now thanks to my stoner friends my publicist knows how talk shit to me in ghetto slang.

COOPRDOG
Ok…you’re as funny as G.W.’s diploma from the Ivy league. So what’s up?

YODA
Alanta, Sun!.... The ATL, …..your are getting’ on a plane in 36 hrs.

COOPRDOG
What the fuck are you talkin’ about?

YODA
What the fuck am I talkin’ about? I’m talkin’ about this director who whines like a little kid if his film don’t get shown, yet only wants to screen in Los Angeles on a Friday night between 7pm and midnight near a bar when he gets discount prices.

I have the feeling I haven’t been paying Yoda like I should.

COOPRDOG
So what’s your point?

YODA
My point is this film ain’t gonna defend itself, so you are gonna go to Atlanta and you betta be drinking crunk juice and repping the dirty-dirty by the time you leave…got it!


Ok so Yoda is fucking on one. I don’t want to go to the south, it’s hot and I know I can’t get a good pint of Guinness. Yoda has a point though, we need to show this film to as diverse of a group of people as possible; so I started packing. Maybe it’ll be dope with blunts and big bootie whoe’s like in the videos.

COOPRDOG

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