Monday, May 01, 2006

I Said something stupid

Ok so I got into a festival…well two actually, but this blog is not for braggin’ (it’s for breakin’ on you fools) (breakin’=bustin’=bus’in’=tellin’ it like it is). So I guess that is a cause for celebration. And that’s exactly what I did with a fresh bag-o-weed and a 36 pack of condoms (relax I am in a committed monogamous relationship…no really) and a weekend to celebrate. So I am in the middle of my rendition of the “fuck you I am the shit” – couch dance when my partner (detective Budd) points out that there are two programs screening at this festival and we are in the one that does not screen in the theater.

“Wait a fuckin’ second”…. “what the fuck are you saying”…yeah that’s right kids, I’m screening in the farm league. Yeah well I couldn’t take it…no I really couldn’t take it. Man I shot film, and I got stunts and naked people (ok that’s a lie..but go with it).. and I got cameos – what the fuck? So it’s eating me like lesbians do on a Saturday night (c’mon that’s funny) and I really can’t fuckin’ take it. So what do I do? I call Yoda.


“and what is your major malfunction….you should be happy to be in a festival”….not the kind of shit you want to hear from your publicist…but hey..Yoda comes from the PR school of tough love.

I tell her that this is bullshit and that I refuse to be treated this way (ok word to the wise here…making a film is not the same as say…fighting forest fires or saving Harp try to tone it down when you complain) and she laughs at me. Now I know how Captain Caine felt (The Caine Mutiny….c’mon yo). But I am not havin’ it. Now realize that I am still thrilled to be in a festival…shit.. I am about to screen out of the country….so what’s to complain about?

Fuckin’ plenty….we cannot sit and take it lying down. About the only thing a director is good for (other than funny hats and strange food) is that he takes it personally and will voice his opinion if he feels the film is being mistreated…and that’s just what I did.

So I write this email that is direct and to the point. Yoda says it’s a bit harsh and I reply “make it so” (yeah like you don’t watch Star Trek…shut the fuck up).

Ok…so I send the thing. And I am complaining that I’ve just had a huge premiere…and that my film has momentum…and that my cock is bigger than the Washington Monument…well the festival director is none-too-pleased; but I did get my way.

Ha…who says it’s bad to be whining, self-absorbed asshole…look what it can get you.

So this is great right? Wrong! So now I have talked all this shit about how I can put hundreds of motherfuckers in the seats and how I have an entourage that really wanted to come to Canada and fuck their sluts ( it’s humor…get over it). And now I have gotten my way….now I have to back this shit up.

So not only do I have a festival before this one…which I am not prepared for (yes I did get into a nice festival here in Los Angeles…(relax… I bribed a programmer ….this is LA) but I have another festival right on the heels of the one I paid to get into (ok.. I slept with his sister…and you know what she was really sweet…beard an all). So now I have to put up or shut up.

I mean I am still suckin’ cock to pay off the last screening and here we go again. I mean I guess it is a good thing….or that I am slowly becoming a prostitute…take your pick.

So I have to get my shit together. Do you need a passport to go to Canada…or can you say you that you really like hockey? Can you buy weed in Canada…or do they smoke pine needles or some shit?

Ok..ok.. I am just trying to get you ready for Canadian jokes… I love Canada….it’s like the US if you got rid of the guns and gave everybody healthcare (go ahead and complain about that joke…I’ll smash you)…

Ok.. I have to print like 6 million posters and ship them illegally to Canada (motherfucker publicity is publicity….just ask Vanessa Williams)….(yeah it was rude….you say that like I am going to bump into her or something)



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