Monday, May 01, 2006

Full steam ahead.

So where are we? Well we had the super-fabulous premiere with models and free alcohol. We had Z-cars and a line to get into the screening; it made a bit of a difference. Yeah, yeah I know you’re sitting there next to your 4ft saltlick and a case of hater-ade with nothing good to say to me (like that surprises me you bitter motherfuckers)…but I have news you can use (and no it ain’t a cookie recipe). Ok so quick quiz:

What is the major difference between holding your own premiere and going to a festival?
#1 - You are the only film showing and are the main focus of attention. Now if you aren’t an attention whore then you might want to change your occupation from filmmaker to a librarian or maybe a crossing guard. Ok I am trying to be funny (motherfucker I am funny….so you betta recognize). But seriously, at a festival there are tens if not hundreds of competing films…when you hold your own premiere it’s just you and the projectionist (and believe you me….he’s like the most important motherfucker in the world…do treat him right). The point here is that the premiere and the festival are both about exposure.

#2 - You get to take responsibility for everything that happens. So that means you kind of want to avoid setting a fire to get publicity…seems like a good idea at the time…but man..does the fire dept. get pissy (fuckin’ eh… it was just a small garbage fire).

#3 - You get to show the money people that you know how to market your film and put asses in the seats. Now listen to me…those asses in the seats need not be all of your drunken stoner friends who are going to carpet bomb the food trays and trade stories about their favorite porno’s. Unlike a film festival there is no coincidence factor; everything that the money people see is there because you paid for it (or lied). This is important because the bid at shooting and distributing the feature is (at this juncture) is less dependent on your artistic ability and more dependent on your ability to understand how films are advertised and released. Being an aloof director is fine…being an aloof director who knows what his target demographic is (dem-o-graphic…say it with me) much more valuable…because it show that you are thinking in the right direction (and that you know people other than your friends who live in mom’s basement and think the Sci-fi channel is money (ok, Battle Star Galatica is kinda cool but you are missing the point.)

#4 - You get a chance to see what you are in for. I mean I know all of you want to be famous. With people swinging off ya nuts and quoting your bad jokes and misinformation all over the Westside (I mean what really goes on in the valley?)…but listen to me…it’s like hella different when it’s happening for real. Ok so what do you want? I mean I want to control the world and make all of you my minions….uh, I mean I want to shoot features. What I am getting at is that if you have your own premiere you will have to give serious thought to what it is you actually want out of this…whereas as with a festival you can just attend and mingle.

#5 - Screenings beget screenings. Look all you have to do is tell motherfuckers that you had a huge ass screening with a grip of motherfuckers in attendance and they will be curious. Yes it is that easy…because films aren’t exhibited nearly as much as we think, so get to lyin’ and cheatin’ and stealin’ already!

So there is my two cents…and if you don’t like it… then go shoot your mini-dv action-horror-sci-fi-guerilla-domge ’95-had-to-be-made-storyboards are for bitches- opus and out-do me.



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