Monday, June 26, 2006

The first party

Ok so I wasn’t really diggin’ the opening night film because I hate romantic comedies (yes mommie is dying of cancer and the bank is foreclosing on the house…but let me tell you about this great man I met…he’s wonderful); but it got more than a few chuckles so, I guess this dude has some mojo. Anyway we start up the Z and make a ton of noise laying wheels and revving the engine as we rumble to the after party. We wave our film badges and we are in….ok this feels like a real festival party.

So we are mingling and what have you and trying to make friends. We talk to several filmmakers, many of which are religious shooters – and we need to talk about these people for a second. I mean I couldn’t give a fuck what you movie is about, I mean bowling alien zombies or ninja kittens…it’s all cool with me; but listen you evangelicals – if you want to make a movie you have to entertain, that’s job number one. If people wanted 120 min’s of religious rhetoric they’d go to church. Nothing is worse than a bad film with a blatantly religious message (repent or die!) I mean look, I’m not screening in churches and trying to convince people to smoke weed and fuck their best friends hot mom (yes mommies we fantasy about you all the time) – I think we need to establish some basic ground rules in respecting the art form…or is it just me.

1# You need a story… not something that appears to be a story but a real story and not a platform for breast cancer, child abduction or pharmaceutical prices.

2# I know you really like reality TV, but repositioning the camera in the middle of a shot is amateurish…if you think it’s ok, they you should be sending your screeners to Bob Sagat and not to festivals

3# Unless your name is Prince or George Clinton you aren’t talented enough to do your own music I.E. – what’s worse than a bad film, a bad film with uninspired Casio keyboard grooves and a shitty drum loop – c’mon people hire someone.

#4 If you are going to do a voiceover or narrate your own shit, you need to be able to read copy. Do you really think we like listening to your cinematic rendition of “how I spent my summer vacation” – shit I could be rolling a blunt instead of listening to your crap.

#5 We expect to see some bad acting, I mean it’s a festival. But bad acting is like Tequila – at a certain point it just get dangerous to consume more, someone is going to get hurt.

#6 No more gunshots and then quick cuts to black. This is not cable access in Wisconsin, how about doing a little blocking…for fuck sake!

Anyway, back to the party…..I have just met my first director. She’s a writer/director/editor/producer and she won’t look me in the eye. She pretends that she has never heard of my film…yeah whatever sister. I am a finalist in the short film category and so are you, I am quite sure you went to the sites of all the competing films to see what you competition was like, but I allow her to play dumb while we chat. She’s braggin’ on her film now, trying to impress me I think. This is laughable because I know I have the most expensive live action short in here….are you for real Missy? I had a 42 ft motor home and hot chicks packin’ bowls…not to mention a car stunt.. Anyway, little miss Attitude is now telling me that she spent $18K on her short. She looks right in my eyes when she says it, and I call tell by the pregnant pause that follows the statement, that she is used to shutting a lot of people up with that number. But this is Cali miss, this is LA. I blew $18K in my first three days. Shit I spent $7K just watching my car slide around turns (over and over and over…stunts are really not that fun).

I realize now that I am not nearly as arrogant as my competition. I throw her a bone and ask her how long she has been directing, she now acting like she’s on E-entertainment television or something. I mean not a single question in return, and they say I am arrogant. I want to get into the nitty gritty of directing…but she won’t take it there…guess I am not worthy….yeah well how about it I stuck a fat cock in your mouth? Would I be worthy then?....So I let her keep talkin’ before I return to the bar where Det. Budd is.

DETECTIVE BUDD
So, how was your chat

COOPRDOG
Did you know she’s about to end world hunger with her film

DETECTIVE BUDD
(Busts out laughing)..really?

COOPRDOG
Yeah either that or cure fuckin’ AIDS…she’s really doin’ things.

DETECTIVE BUDD
(Still laughing) I take it your conversation didn’t go well

COOPRDOG
Hey if I wanted to do I public service I would have shot a doc…. let’s go burn one.

…and we adjourned for the night. We screen tomm at 7 pm in one of the most competitive sections. Let’s see if we shake them up.

COOPRDOG

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