Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Day 2 of the festival and I'm still not fuckin' famous

Ok so this is the first day of film screenings we are all excited and hopeful that this festival will be life changing. But in reality can a festival ever be life changing? (assuming that you don’t completely lose your shit and choke-out a programmer or A judge). I mean we all hear the stories of the no-name filmmaker that shoots his opus on a pixel camera applies to Sundance…gets in... wins every award available and then gets whisked away to Sony or Fox with a six-pack of supermodels vying to suck the “creativity” out of his cock Yeah well maybe that does happen at the biggest of big festivals, but this does not appear to be what is about to happen here (or maybe I am just bitter). We are at the Arclight which is a pretty cool, iconographic theater in Hollywood. This place shows real movies and shit (like freshly struck prints of Ran). They initially seemed like the liked us, but once again we see that most people have no idea what real filmmakers are like.

We like to drink, because when we are sober we realize how much in debt we are and how unlikely it is that our current relationship will survive. So everyone is fucked up all the time (and if you are one of those uptight filmmakers who doesn’t drink and doesn’t smoke…you need a new profession….like library science you fuckin’ Poindexter!) and looking to see what’s about to happen. Now this particular festival is massive and your filmmaker badge is only really good for the muggers to single you out when you try to cross Sunset Blvd after midnight. But I told myself that I was going to make the best of this festival (yeah right after I smoke this fucking bowl!). I mean this is like the real deal…I could meet a producer or something.

The Arclight staff is really attempting to play by the rules, telling us that we are not allowed to move between theaters during a screening section. (yeah ok buddy…if I liked following rules I’d join the fuckin’ Army…now shut the fuck up and go make me some popcorn!) The festival is screening on the second floor and let me tell you this is like the steepest flight of steps I have seen since that crazy bitch made the priest take a digger in the Exorcist (“let Jesus fuck you…let Jesus fuck you!”). So I’m carrying my brown filmmaker satchel full of weed paraphernalia, my PSP and about 10 screeners in case I met a pack of investment bankers who are about to catch a plane and really whish they had a feature project to back (I mean why do you carry all those screeners with you? In case you forget what the fuck it is you are doing at a film festival?). So I climb this flight of steps and damn near have a heart attack (if you go to the Arclight, take the fucking escalator, trust me.) I make my way into the theater and sit in the back…always in the back. Because I like to heckle and I think it makes a better impression when you leave in the middle of the screening when you walk the entire distance of the theater.

So the section starts and we jump right into this horror film about some pasty white guy and his prissy girlfriend who won’t take her top off in the Jacuzzi (cash, grass or ass nobody screens for free sister!) ..and now there this black guy dressed as a clown chasing them around with a knife. Now I wasn’t gonna come right out and call bullshit on this sequence…I mean it was well shot. But when was the last time you saw a black clown (Flava-Flav does not count) I mean let’s get real. Most brothers I know have big fucking dogs (that’s ghetto slang for feet for all you Orange county fair skinned types) to begin with, not to mention wide noses…why the fuck would any brother accentuate this? Anyway so, Homey the clown is chasing the Kip and Chloe around their house and through a closet and into another closet and I began to wonder why the fuck would you want to play hide and go seek with a knife wielding clown in your own closet. I mean how about a fair one on the front lawn….oh sorry I am thinking like a black guy. So I am impressed that we are 45 sec’s in and someone is about to get gutted. And then I hear a ring tone and the actors turn to the camera and say “ssshhh!” and then we fade to black and are informed that a cell phone can ruin a movie…really…so can false advertising …start the fucking section! So the first section contains a short about a chick who fucks some guy on the first date and wakes up with no memory…only it’s a chick and not a guy …and that’s the end of the short…not even some soft-core lesbo set-up’s. What the fuck? I mean I don’t even dig lesbo porn but if you are going to set it up you gotta follow through (…ask your mother if you think I am lying – about following through not lesbo porn you idiot). I don’t hate too much but I know for a fact that pussy and balls have two very distinct odors (sorry…. Fragrances…I am trying to be nicer in my old age)…so how the fuck do you not know that the person you brought home is a chick? But whatever… it was short and sweet and not too pretentious so I am thankful. Next we have a coming of age piece about a guy running a high school student president campaign. This was a cool short but I’m still bitter about high school (and I intend to collect on all the pussy I am owed at my 20 yr reunion so if you went to Cherokee high you have been warned.) The end is too convenient and sappy for me. I was hoping for a Columbine type ending with a bit of social commentary on the in-crowd …but alas the filmmaker told the story he wanted and I was just being bitter because I don’t screen for like another 1000 days or some shit like that.

Next we had the Malt shop documentary by the brother and sister team..and I must admit I didn’t hear anything the brother said in the Q&A because I was staring at his sister’s tits. She sings opera and I think I could teach her a new aria. But I decide to keep my cock in my pants because I am kind of in a thing (but I am allowed to appreciate beauty ….preferably outside her house with a pair of binoculars).

We adjourn from the section and people congratulate the filmmakers and it’s kind of bullshit. I mean if you don’t like my film…then don’t come up and say hi. We have all week to suck on peoples asses…why start so soon?

I skip out of this screening…and I do mean skip. And I bump into Det. Budd. He reeks of weed and says I need to sample the new crop. Well I’m never one to turn down a free samples (weed, pussy or otherwise) …so we adjourn to the roof of the parking structure and spark a bowl in full view of the security cameras (famous – infamous…what’s the real difference when you are lookin’ for production funds?) Now you would think that professional weed smokers like ourselves would have spotted the camera immediately…well let’s just say that architects are getting’ crafty and I really needed to burn one. We shoot the shit about who has a nice ass and who has a shitty film and whose ass is nice enough to sit through their shitty film. Then we go across the street to La Salsa and gorge ourselves (there is nothing like a chicken enchilada when you are thousands of dollars in debt).

It’s now time for the next screening. We are like hella late but manage to catch most of the section. This one film is from the Middle East and I have no fuckin’ idea what it’s about… lots of symbolism and flashes to white... and now the credits are rolling… I am glad that I am faded...'cause that film was just awful...ok in my opinion. I am not going to lambaste anyone’s film….ok that’s a lie because the mini DV short that I saw on the second to last day… the one about the hit men that becomes a shaky cam tirade on Sundance and indie film….dude, what was with that? If you are really gonna put yourself out there like that…you might want to shoot a more technically proficient film…but that’s just my opinion.

So we bolt out of that Q&A and head back to the roof to smoke more weed and then we hit the bar. You see it’s really tough to do this shit all day, this “hi, how are you shit”. I mean we all pretend like we like each other and are really nice and just want to support other artists and other filmmakers. Fuckin’ please! It doesn’t get more cutthroat than a few hundred directors and two awards that matter. We are such a catty bunch making fun of other directors for little things like where they like to sit in the theater (real directors are voyeurs hence they don’t like to sit in the front). I have met several people that I respect most of which are from Australia…motivated filmmakers with vision shooting on film stock…it made me feel like I was part of something. The rest of the festival left much to be desired. I did see some nice mini-dv films… but I have such an aversion to the format that I tend to have a horrible look on my face as soon as I realize what it was shot on. But enough of this guessing who’s my friend and all that shit… here is my list of shit I liked in the festival…

Mad props to: Jon... “Body in the trunk” was the shit…but I didn’t get his DVD so I’ll have to beg off of the web to get one. “The Mouse that Ate my brain”... Phillip got fucked in the voting in my opinion because the film that won his category is a total snoozer (I ought to know ‘cause I fell asleep twice in the screening) and there was no incandescent light when we had horse drawn carriages…or maybe they just liked to travel that way in a more modern era - whatever. I did dig “Forged” and David (the director) is a fucking madman so I’d go to his screenings just so we can get drunk and talk shit afterwards. “Dirty Mary” …yeah mostly just a gag…but very fun and not that predictable ...and I met the lead and she’s a hottie so. Hmm what else… “Furious George” …like the only mini-dv film I liked. I forget the dude’s name that shot the 100K Nazi film (Benjamin's Struggle)…but he pulled it off so I can’t hate (and he’s fun to chill with). And I have to say what’s up to “The New Finish” …Doug and Sam (I think your name is same..well I am a self confessed drug addict so..) were hella cool and they have a cameo in their film…so mini-dv props as well.

Ok now I am not going to list the films I hated, because I don’t have enough fuckin’ room on this blog (ha...ha... not enough room...c’mon that’s funny). I mean I did see some stinkers but what’s a film festival without a few thousand shitty films in competition. Speaking of competition, Sex-Love screened out of competition…because they all fear me (run you bitches, run!) But that’s ok…I am just here to spectate and heckle the winners. I would like to point out the disturbing trend of films with people killing their spouses. I mean what the fuck??? I am not married but I do hold marriage in high esteem (unless I am trying to fuck your wife – but I kind of don’t do that anymore… unless your wife is like smokin’ then I suggest you stay near her…cause I am a shady like ‘dat). What is the deal? Have we nothing else to write about? I mean c’mon dude I have a long list of ex- girlfriends that I’d like watch experience electro-shock therapy, but I don’t want to kill them – I want to hurt them real bad – but I don’t want to kill them. Ok, stop laughing, that’s not funny! Misogyny is not funny – even when you synch it to music. Ok all jokes aside why is this such a common topic for a short film? Are we that drained for narratives? Marriages are about trust and respect and using that as a premise for stylized violence is indicative of larger problems that we suffer from as a society. It’s a common theme here in the states and films like “Crash” take it to new levels (to love, honor, cherish and protect – is that not the vow couples take – or is that the cops, I can never remember?) Even more upsetting is the common occurrence of persons killing their spouses in real life. If you filmmake then you are a dreamer…time to get some new dreams assholes!

Ok I’d like to continue to rip director asses apart and push my own agenda forward, but “Criminal Intent” is about to come on and D’Onofrio is my boy …go ahead and hate cause his character knows like everything, but I let’s look at the TV cop genre shall we? “CSI” – detectives don’t know shit about conducting forensic experiments and forensic scientists don’t interview suspects…that plotline is ass and you know it. “Special Victims unit” – yeah I know it’s a Law & Order franchise but who gets this worked up about each case…be a good cop and develop a drinking problem…though I do like to see Richard Belzer act so sometimes I watch. I do like “The Closer” but I have only seen one episode…I just really want to cast Kyra Sedgwick so I am jealous that she is working with another director (no one loves you more than me)….ok what the fuck else is on TV? Well there is “Cheaters” not really a cop show, but sometimes the cops do show up and that’s always fun… I mean Joey Greco is such a fucktard that he could represent the US in the international fucktard championships. But the only real reason to watch the show is to watch how sloppy blue-collar game is and to bet on whether or not the cheating boyfriend will take it like a man when he’s caught or run like a pussy (60% if the time the run like the bitches that they are) – if you can’t say “it’s over” when you crawl out of the back of your rusty Datsun B210 with a stiff cock and skid marked tighty-whities…then when can you…c’mon Earl, do the right thing.

Ok… seriously I’m missing the set-up which is always the best part of Law & Order (well actually the best part is when they run them back to back and scroll the credits at 300 million miles an hour and start a new episode) – that’s how they get you caught up….you have been warned!

COOPRDOG

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