Sunday, June 18, 2006

Fuck Myspace!

“Fuck Myspace”

Yeah that’s right I said it. I don’t spend a lot of time on Myspace, because there is better porn on yahoo; but that’s not really my point. Ok, here is the deal; Yoda made me get a Myspace page. Ok that’s a lie it was suggested by several “producers” that I really need to do it

“Cooper.. I love ya man; and so do the people who have been to the site. But we have to get you out there. You need the kids man…you need Myspace”

I thought Myspace was a bunch of 14 yr olds exchanging Justine Timberlake jpegs

Look man, you got to think out of the box. Kids today, they run the show. Everyone pays attention to them, and you need to too.

Ok..but remember my feature…the one I shot the short to raise money for

Yeah, what about it?

Well it’s got some rather “colorful” language and sex in it. The “kids” aren’t going to be able to get into an R-rated movie

Well you don’t really know what the rating is going to be till the final cut of the film, so I wouldn’t worry about that.

But I don’t write for kids…shit I barely write for 20 yr olds..

Listen to me. My friends brother uploaded one MP3 and got 800 billion hits in the very next second. And then he got signed…and playboy bunnies have been snorting coke of his dick ever since…get the picture now I had to get this Myspace page. My only real experience with Myspace was courtesy of my ex-next door neighbors. So I had this 5 pack of 20-somethings living in the next apartment. They drank like there was a prize and the bottom of every bottle (’s called substance abuse). Anyway, this crew that lived off of cheese puffs and Malt liquor (no bullshit…I seen it yo!) that carried Razor phones with no service (they were new then) had one desire and one desire only….to surf Myspace.

Now I am not quite sure how someone without a computer or an ISP subscription…can develop such an addiction…but these motherfuckers had it bad. I would start very innocently… “hey, can I check my email”… which is amazing request because you don’t own a computer…what good is email? You become one of these people who have to get up early and go to the library and sign up before the crowd gets there so you can check your email (not that I have ever done that).

So I have this three pack of chain smoking chicks in my apartment who are giggling and cackling at the blog post that they can’t believe their “friends” have posted. I point out that since it is all user based, much of what you are reading is probably bullshit. It is at this point that I am confronted with my first piece of “younger than you”- logic. Are you ready …. “there is a lot of truth in a person’s lies”

This is what I am forced to deal with, in my house. Well not really because this was months ago (my building has a high turnover, but it’s a great neighborhood…no, really).

So I go and sign up for Myspace. And I fill in all the relevant details and don’t try to be funny (hey motherfucker…I’m like hella funny). And I finally have a Myspace page…whoopdee-fuckin’-do. So now I have to get my trailers up here and get some traffic.

Ok so my hyperlink to the Sex-Love site is not working…hmm..why the fuck is that? Well kids, after several hours of research it appears that Myspace is no longer letting you redirect traffic to other sites. And I have been told that this coincides with the new corporate parent (see..the man fuckin’ with me again). Now it took me a minute to realize what the fuck was going on, because my film has the word “sex” in the title. That word by itself has been know to get emails classified as spam or outright deleted off the server…so I am kind of used to this kind of shit.

Anyway… it’s still no dice on the page and I can’t figure out how two upload my two award winning trailers (ok…so the award was a blunt…what’s your point). I don’t understand why I can’t find it. There really aren’t that many options on this profile page…so what am I missing. Oh, I guess I have to go to “my videos”. Ok so… I try to load up my trailers onto the Myspace servers…and let me tell you it’s not the fastest piece of interconnectivity that I have ever used. I mean does it really take 90 min’s to upload 36 megabytes…you’re joking right?

Oh look the upload crashed. Well why don’t we just stay up all night and try it again. No wonder I am in the minority on this thing…I have shit to do other than baby-sit this booty-ass software.

So it took three attempts for my first trailer and two for the second…I’m sorry don’t these motherfuckers have a grip a bandwidth and hella server space…(lies!!!...lies!!!!) Ok so my profile is up and it looks horrible…no I mean it looks worse than your fat cousin after she spent the whole night fucking. Now I can’t get this pic to load…oh and now Netscape 8.1 just crashed (yeah the new version is working beautifully). Ok so now I have to open another browser…oh and look it’s taking 15 seconds to load (who says XP isn’t a great OS).

Ok finally I am back in the game. Now let me look at this chicks pics… what do you mean I have to log in…she’s not even that hot…and why aren’t the cookies enabled? Fuck Myspace!

I am in my 30’s I don’t have time to add friends who can’t get me weed or make parking tickets go away…so enough with the requests.

Oh but wait, there’s more. So I have to get my film page high up on the rankings…that was the crux of the suggestion. Of course Mr. Potato Head neglected to inform me that the highest ranking videos tend to be viral bullshit like Num-Num or Numa or whatever is the name of the song that the really huge dude is dancing to (and by dance I mean sit in a chair on his fat ass). These are filmmakers? Since when did shoot videos with a webcam make you a shooter? Did I miss a class or something?

Ok so someone tell me how all this is helping my film. All these dancing GIF’s an all this fuckin’ preteen bullshit. Well I guess I should be nice, I wouldn’t want to offend the gaggles of people with pink cell phones (look… In my opinion, the only thing that should be pink is pussy) or manbags (talk about an oxymoron). Get a fuckin’ life!

One Day later:

Ok so the Z car trailer has 3400 plays…in one fuckin’ day. Uh..I’d like to retract all my harsh comments about Myspace…I think it is a wonderful service even if you have to be jobless and love dragonball Z to have fun (…no, I have no Idea what Dragonball Z is…but it’s still a funny joke so fuck you). So these motherfuckers do have traffic, I can say that. The theatrical trailer has 2400 plays, but there is no way to redirect all this traffic to my site. So what is the fuckin’ point? Oh and now I am getting’ harsh comments about how my stunt driver is horrible at drift. It’s not a drift video, it’s not an extreme video….it’s a cool little piece of media…so stop hatin’ and go watch MTV.

But what does it mean to be popular amongst the 14 yr olds? Will it advance my film career?....Stay tuned.

Entertainment Blogs - Blog Top Sites My Zimbio
Top Stories