Thursday, March 15, 2007

I’m not playing with you…

So I’m on the eve of another festival and this next week is supposed to be the biggest week of my life..not because I’ll be playing the festival (I already told you, festivals suck hairy ass), but because I am supposed to find out about Tribeca’s All Access program next week. Well, technically I was supposed to find out today but it seems that someone missed their deadline (wow a festival missed a notification deadline…imagine that). I really shouldn’t get my hopes up…I mean I know I am going to get fucked. How do I know I am going to get fucked? Well first there is the general rule of festival submission that goes…if you really want to play a festival… they are probably going to fuck you. But wait, I have more reasons to think so. There are the omens; like today for example. Today I got rejected from a festival that not only recruited me, but had really nice things to say about my film.

Yeah, and then they extended the deadline by six weeks. That was just….fuckin’ awesome! Hey DeReel film festival, can I ask you a question? Why is it called a deadline…if you are willing to extend it? Why have you been so nice and so communicative about your selection process and how my film is doing only to reject me? But that’s not my real question. My real question is this sorry excuse of a rejection letter that you sent me; do you really think this is going to fly? I mean what is your fuckin’ problem? But wait, I am being harsh… I should let you read it:


I'm just writing to tell you officially that although the judges rated your film as a strong entry, it has not been chosen for showing it at the 2007 DeReel Independent Film Festival. We would have loved to include your film in our festival, but limited screen time and a very strong field of entries has meant that this was not possible.

To honour the films that didn't quite make the final selection we have decided to make a "Best of the Rest" award for the 2007 DeReel Independent Film Festival, and to award your film with it.

Congratulations on your film, and on the award.

Kind Regards
Peter Angel

..can you believe that shit? The best of the rest award? Is that the real name? Are you sure it’s not the “Fuck you asshole”-award or how about the “yeah we took your money and lied but here’s a sympathy award”-award. Are these people for real? I am continually amazed at the shit that goes on at these festivals. So I would like to take the time to tell Peter Angel that I hope he gets his dick caught in his zipper the next time he takes a piss…and I hope the friction from trying to free it cause spontaneous combustion and his cock catches fire! I will go further and hope that you are rolling around in the parking lot with your dick ablaze for several minutes before the fire fighters show up…and I hope they make jokes about how you need to beating your dick so much before they put you out! What makes you think I want to read that kind of shit? Do you think that makes me feel good? You want to know what would make me feel real good? Knowledge that you contracted a nasty infection from that hooker of a wife you have…that would make me feel real good. But I have other fish to fry.

So Tribeca All Access, this ought to be good. I mean this is like a who’s who of minority filmmakers so I am hoping I do reasonably well. I mean I am used to losing to white boys who’s daddies have money, but if I lose to a bunch of poor black, mini-dv shootin’ motherfuckers making movies about how exact change on the bus discriminates against black people, then I’m gonna be pissed. I need this like Martin Lawrence needs a new agent. I mean c’mon!

I looked at last years class – what a bunch of inside tracked, Sundancin’, didn’t I meet you at Cannes motherfuckers. And not a weed smoker among the lot of them, this ain’t lookin’ good. I mean I’ve got the shots – Det. Budd is the fuckin’ shit; but when I look at the plotlines for last years projects it’s like a fuckin’ weepie fest. All these really touching stories about finding ones true identity in the world, or how to have a happy life after one of your tits falls off during a cross country run (ok, maybe that wasn’t the exact title) and let us not forget the little girl/snowman/incest/lost youth/why am I gay category. I mean who doesn’t enjoy a good clichéd narrative amid bad writing…fuckin’ sign me up!

Did I miss something? Did the fucking Muppets take over the film industry during my last bong hit? Exactly when are we going to make movies again where people get fucked hard and then they get shot? When I got in this game it was all coke and fake tits and now what do we have…kiddie cinema. Hey, here’s a new flash…if I liked kids I wouldn’t assfuck so much! I make films for the drug using-parent avoiding-late on their rent-blew my last $50 on a bag of weed-what do you mean she’s your little sister-I wasn’t really doing drugs, I was tasting them- kind of people. I don’t want you to leave my films feeling happy to be alive…I want you to leave my films and think to yourself…man do I need to get fucked…or, where the fuck can I get some good shit? Now that’s the sign of a good movie.

Ok so, I’m not fucking around anymore. This is fucking serious…if I don’t get this movie made…I may have to kill a few people. Like who you ask? Let’s start with the Academy and their decision to give an Academy Award to West Bank Story. I mean are you fucking kidding me? I thought the Academy Award for shorts was for excellence in filmmaking? It’s a musical parody playing on the popular theme of Jews & Muslims. Is there an impressive shot in the film…no! Does the film take risks?! Is the cinematography really special…no! Is the dialogue impressive?....if you like limericks and nursery rhymes..possibly. And don’t even get me started on the other nominees.

I have a question for the Academy…do you really want filmmaking to continue to suck dick as badly as it does now? I mean I have seen the future kids…and trust’s time to drink all the fucking Kool-aid…cause the future is god-awful. Remember what it was like when you were young, real young…and there were movies like “History of the world, Part I” and “stripes” and “Animal House” or “Vacation” shit what about some John Hughes shit…that’d be money right now. But noooooo I can’t get that. But hey, I hear the new Harry Potter movie is about to come out, and so is the next Batman and the next Superman and I heard that they are remaking “weird Science”….I mean what the fuck! You can’t have a movie where two geeks build a woman from software inputs…did they forget about Kelly LeBrock ….I mean I beat my dick for 6 years straight just on her intro scene. You can’t have that kind of shit now….the FCC won’t allow it. I mean what is the remake going to be? Macauly Caulkin and that motherfucker I hate from Malcom in the middle playing geeks in Orange County (oh and you can make “The O.C.” and “The real Wives of Orange County” references). I bet they’ll be using a G5 with a T-3 connection and a terabyte of ram…do you see how this is going to get fucked up? Product placement city! Instead of driving around in a Porsche 928 and a Ferrari Mondial it’ll be a Bently on 24 inch spinners and the new hummer…you know I am right….but go ahead, doubt me.

Hey Hollywood you want to impress me…why not remake DeepThroat…or do a color corrected version of Traci Lords’ early work now I’d pay money to see her 15 yr old ass get pounded in THX…oh, but I am wrong. It’s ok to make a feature film version of Scooby Doo but you ask for a little porno update and they are ready to string you up. Well what do we really have to lose? I mean the industry is know this, man! Whatever, don’t believe me…but when the Sex in the City movie comes out in 3D, then you’ll be sorry. Oh yeah, one last thing….is comedy central so hurting for content that they had to bring back Andrew Dice Clay? If that isn’t a sign of the apocalypse then I don’t know what the fuck is.

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