The Envelope Please:

Ok so it’s the end of the festival and you all know what that means, it’s award time. Now believe you me, nothing brings out the ego in filmmakers like the word “award”. It’s completely understandable, I mean it’s a huge undertaking that cost a majority us at least a relationship, if not a job or a long term friendship. I once lost three all at the same time – but hey cocaine trafficking is a costly business. Years of peoples lives are at stake because we all seek validation of some kind. Otherwise what they say about you might be true, and then you lose you nerve and the next thing you know you are moving back to the Midwest (no matter where you are from..when you pack up and leave, they say you were from the Midwest…I don’t know either…it’s some LA Screenwriter bullshit). But hey who doesn’t want to win? (and who doesn’t want to give a speech. I give awesome speeches…like the one I gave the cops on Vine street when the caught me doing 70 in a 25 mph (“that’s right…I said a matter of National Security” )). Did I have a speech prepared? Hell motherfuckin’-yeah I had a speech prepared. Man I was gonna open up with references to the visual imagery inherent in Speed Racer, and the leadership skills exuded by Capt’n Crunch (You know that’s a money acceptance speech – stop fuckin’ hatin’) Let’s just say I was prepared.

So I come stumbling in with my loud ass DP and partner in crime Det. Budd. We’re so fuckin’ faded that we are clownin’ everybody. I mean come on, we made of film – we went for it. These cats, man they shot weepies…(“oh why god, why?”) and drama’s (“Noooooo!!”) and who can forget the implausible romantic comedies….yes I am hatin’, so fuckin’ what. I’m out like several hundred dollars, I haven’t had one real conversation with another filmmaker…well not a shooter. Does anybody just shoot anymore? Where are all the people who fall asleep every night thinking about where they are going to put the camera and how the are going to freak it once you say action.

I make no apologies for catty remarks I said at the bar. Or my rockstar behavior during the festival. My film is a carnival ride of drug usage and profanity. At least I give a shit about screening my film. So fuckin’ what I had a three man camera crew, host, still photographer and a publicist….at least I brought 6 motherfuckers to the screening not to mention 5 cast members and my partner and my editor …most of these cats didn’t bring anyone….ahh but I just complainin’

The real issue is that we did have a little bit of competition. There were more than 6 films with negative costs greater than $20K. That is a well heeled festival. In this field of some 70 shorts were entries produced by Nissan, BET & Fox Search labs. We had a more distinct visual look and more interesting script. To me that is the best thing that could have come out of the festival…(well that and gettin’ some fuckin’ money).

So I’m in the far back, eating redvines and talkin’ shit with Det. Budd. In front of us I can see several filmmakers only they don’t think of themselves as filmmakers… many are producers…who have “several properties”…yeah I guess that’s cool. But I only got one property right this instance…and it’s the fuckin’ bomb – yo!

Glancing around I see sea of hopefuls. It truly is a strange scene, and it always seems to go this way. The people who’s films are just bad, or have a glaring flaw in them…are always the most eager. They seem to be completely unaware of what their peers are saying about them…and we all secretly hope the we are not unknowingly one of the people being talked about. What is always really curious, is that the films that you really like or feel competitive with…never seem to have a presence at the award show/dinner. That’s upsetting because it makes you wonder if he thought you were way out of his league, or his not being there means you are way out of his.

See it makes us crazy.

I just want to see who they give it to. I mean that have hated us as filmmakers, but have loved our film. We had the best screening time and the most visible posters spots.

But I knew we wouldn’t win. Let’s see where we stand shall we, let’s see how “not liked” we really are.

They give it to the Nissan film “Numbers”. I can see why, I mean I think it a total and complete travesty and I want a fuckin’ recount – but I can see why it won.

So get this… the dude is not here. As a matter of fact 5 of the 7 people that won awards were not present. Imagine that…I wonder if it had anything to do with the $75 admission fee? So the festival is officially a shitter when no ones shows up to claim their photocopied certificates in what appears to be a report cover.

We mad a loud exit after that…and layed wheels all the way up Wilshire (ok 15 yards…but fuck you it’s Beverly Hills…you could get locked up like that – yo!).

Festivals still suck more than they should, but hey at least I screened. That’s the fourth time since January and the film isn’t even a year out of principal….not bad if you ask me.

COOPRDOG