So You wanna be a filmmaker?
So you want to make a movie?
You want to make a movie, right? You wanna get into the game and wear a funny hat and have 45 minute conversations that amount to basically nothing with people who had their business cards printed at Kinko’s (yes... that’s a 10 on the “unbelievable wac” scale). You want to hold up southern California traffic while you make up your mind about camera placement (if they wanted to get places quickly they move to another state.) You think you’d really enjoy negative balances in checking accounts and having completely fictitious conversations with people who have lived here for less time than you have and promising to call them on phone numbers that you don’t possess nor do you have any real desire to acquire.
Well, lucky for you we here at Big Hit Productions have come up with a guide to let you know if you are really ready to take the filmmaking plunge. So sharpen your pencils and read on, and no cheating motherfuckers!
Filmmaking potential questionnaire:
1) When you deposit you paycheck (assuming you have a job, if you don’t have a job substitute a check from mommy and daddy you parasite) into your checking account and realize that you actually have a positive balance from last month your first reaction is….
A. To put it in you savings account
B. To buy some weed and write something
C. To pay some bills
D. To purchase software, hardware, a funny hat or a T-shirt with an offensive slogan
2) When you see a car accident your first thought is…
A. I hope no one is seriously hurt
B. I wonder if some motherfucker got killed
C. To get your camera cause this is a hell of a stunt set-up and you already can see how many extras you will need to make it look convincing.
D. Man that’s hella nasty, but if the car would have flipped completely over and caught fire, it’d be much more aesthetically appealing; these people are a bunch of fuckin’ amateurs!
3) You have spent the last three days on an unannounced road trip with people who have one name and no credit rating. Upon returning to your apartment you have three voicemail messages. One is from your mom, one is from your girlfriend and one is from your producing partner. Who do you call first?
A. Ya moms….she gave you life and so what if she thinks that your brother is more productive than you because he reads 5 books a month on death row, she deserves the first call…hell, she is worried about you.
B. Your girlfriend…she is going to be the mother of your children and is the keeper of all of your secrets…she has priority and will protect your legacy when you die in a coke-related car crash with Anna Nicole and Frank Gifford in the back seat (they just need a ride to Hollywood – yeah…whatever).
C. Your producing Partner…you had an epiphany and he has to hear all the details.
D. Your weed dealer…cause not only is sobriety a horrible thing, but the chances of your producing partner returning your call is much greater if you indicate in secret language that you just got an ounce of the sticky-icky and you like him to taste a little…and hey, you might actually discuss that film you are trying to shoot.
4) You win $100K in the lottery; your first reaction is…
A. Buy a house and get some security
B. Pay off the debt on your last film
C. Pay off all your credit card debt and school loans
D. Call your partner and tell him that you are ready to double-down… odds are for pussies …this is a sign from God …so what if your are an atheist….
5) You made bail and hitch-hiked back to your apartment only to find a 3-day action notice (that means you are getting evicted…for all you rich people out there) nailed to your front door. Your first reaction is to…
A. Hire an attorney…this is bullshit. What’s 6 days between friends?
B. Write a script about evil landowners that use bullshit landlord tenant laws to stifle creativity.
C. Buy a sack, get high and pretend like none of this is happening
D. Take this as a sign from God (yes you are still an atheist) that you need to shred your overhead and renounced all of your worldly possessions in an attempt to find your true artistic voice
6) You blow the engine in your car, and you feel that this is a great opportunity to…
A. Get something with more horsepower and a louder stereo…since you spend most of your LA life in your car, thinking about film…this is a justifiable expense.
B. Start riding the bus that’s where the real stories are anyway
C. Steal cars on as needed basis….writers need to write what they know, and you ain’t no fuckin’ choir boy!
D. Write a script about how shoddy American manufacturing has unintended consequences and oil changes every 3K miles is a lot to ask from an LA resident.
7) While attending a filmmaking conference a director that you really don’t like and who you feel has less talent than the guy that paints white lines on the highway in the middle of the night, takes a potshot at one of your favorite films, you…
A. Wait till the conference is over and approach him and begin to kiss his ass, this guy has made it and probably knows how to get you funded, personal opinions don’t matter.
B. Raise your hand and respectfully disagree with him and point out the groundbreaking and visionary portions of the film that his narrow-ass must have overlooked.
C. Remain silent, take some notes...and take away what you can.
D. You drop your pants, take a shit in your own hand and hurl it at him from the back row while shouting “Viva la Revolucion!!!” and then proceed to kick the shit out of the security staff that will attempt to remove you till you are Tasered into an unconscious drooling mass.
8) You are on your way to the largest meeting of your professional career and you run a red light (Fuck you, it was pink!) the coppers give chase you…
A. Pull over, you are already going to be late why make it worse. Accept fault and thank the officer for being a good public servant.
B. Keep driving till it’s obvious (since you have been constantly changing lanes and cutting through gas station parking lots to lose him) that he is chasing you and pull over.
C. Act like you can’t hear the siren and see if the racist bastard - uh, I mean lovely police officer - just gives up and lets you go.
D. Get on the throttle and make the 6 o’clock news trying to make a run for it on the 405 (publicity is publicity and if they kill you during the pit maneuver – you partner will have deals out the ass)
9) Your girlfriend has told you that she is pregnant, you…
A. Respond… “oh, honey…I love you..let’s get married”... while secretly planning to off her, get acquitted, and get the crazy bitch from that OJ shit that got fired from Fox to get you a book and movie deal
B. Respond that you think this is a blessing in disguise… and when she falls asleep you sneak out and buy 10 doses of plan B and mix her up a special glass of OJ.
C. Call her a dirty slut and accuse her of fucking the entire film community and see if she leaves you….if that doesn’t work....write a script about how she ruined your life and sell it to Spike TV.
D. Quit filmmaking, get a job at her dad’s accounting firm, Sell your kick-ass car for a Prius and start saying things like “we’re pregnant”
10) While at dinner with your fiancée’s parents (yeah, you need to have been dating on a somewhat regular basis – Einstein!) her father makes the following comment “So I hear you are a filmmaker”. You respond by saying…
A. “You know what? Fuck you...you fucking bean counter! Oh, I’m sorry that the thought of driving an Oldsmobile and learning the finer points of the 1040 form does make my dick drool”
B. “So I hear your first wife died under mysterious circumstances”
C. “I just told your daughter that so she’d fuck me”
D. "Filmmaker, babymaker, drug dealer, escaped felon…I mean what’s really in a title? All you really need to know is that these past two weeks with your daughter have been some of the happiest of my life, if you don’t count that threesome in Vegas or the time a QP of weed fell out of the sky and landed in my front yard."
Ok...how did you do? Do you really need me to grade this motherfucker ‘cause that’s work and I don’t remember filling out no fucking W-2 so you can forget about that shit. The IRS rejected our 501 C (3) application so instead of the phrase “how can I provide you with excellent service today” we have opted for something more apropos…like “fuck you...Pay Me!”(props to Mos Def).
Ok so there you have it, so if you haven’t done well on this exam don’t worry; my old job at Starbucks is open and they have great benefits like repetitive motion injuries and managers who know less about coffee than they do about management. Ok, I’ve got shit to do (like get this feature made). It’s the ’07 bitches, where is your game at?