Monday, May 01, 2006

I Said something stupid

Ok so I got into a festival…well two actually, but this blog is not for braggin’ (it’s for breakin’ on you fools) (breakin’=bustin’=bus’in’=tellin’ it like it is). So I guess that is a cause for celebration. And that’s exactly what I did with a fresh bag-o-weed and a 36 pack of condoms (relax I am in a committed monogamous relationship…no really) and a weekend to celebrate. So I am in the middle of my rendition of the “fuck you I am the shit” – couch dance when my partner (detective Budd) points out that there are two programs screening at this festival and we are in the one that does not screen in the theater.

“Wait a fuckin’ second”…. “what the fuck are you saying”…yeah that’s right kids, I’m screening in the farm league. Yeah well I couldn’t take it…no I really couldn’t take it. Man I shot film, and I got stunts and naked people (ok that’s a lie..but go with it).. and I got cameos – what the fuck? So it’s eating me like lesbians do on a Saturday night (c’mon that’s funny) and I really can’t fuckin’ take it. So what do I do? I call Yoda.


“and what is your major malfunction….you should be happy to be in a festival”….not the kind of shit you want to hear from your publicist…but hey..Yoda comes from the PR school of tough love.

I tell her that this is bullshit and that I refuse to be treated this way (ok word to the wise here…making a film is not the same as say…fighting forest fires or saving Harp try to tone it down when you complain) and she laughs at me. Now I know how Captain Caine felt (The Caine Mutiny….c’mon yo). But I am not havin’ it. Now realize that I am still thrilled to be in a festival…shit.. I am about to screen out of the country….so what’s to complain about?

Fuckin’ plenty….we cannot sit and take it lying down. About the only thing a director is good for (other than funny hats and strange food) is that he takes it personally and will voice his opinion if he feels the film is being mistreated…and that’s just what I did.

So I write this email that is direct and to the point. Yoda says it’s a bit harsh and I reply “make it so” (yeah like you don’t watch Star Trek…shut the fuck up).

Ok…so I send the thing. And I am complaining that I’ve just had a huge premiere…and that my film has momentum…and that my cock is bigger than the Washington Monument…well the festival director is none-too-pleased; but I did get my way.

Ha…who says it’s bad to be whining, self-absorbed asshole…look what it can get you.

So this is great right? Wrong! So now I have talked all this shit about how I can put hundreds of motherfuckers in the seats and how I have an entourage that really wanted to come to Canada and fuck their sluts ( it’s humor…get over it). And now I have gotten my way….now I have to back this shit up.

So not only do I have a festival before this one…which I am not prepared for (yes I did get into a nice festival here in Los Angeles…(relax… I bribed a programmer ….this is LA) but I have another festival right on the heels of the one I paid to get into (ok.. I slept with his sister…and you know what she was really sweet…beard an all). So now I have to put up or shut up.

I mean I am still suckin’ cock to pay off the last screening and here we go again. I mean I guess it is a good thing….or that I am slowly becoming a prostitute…take your pick.

So I have to get my shit together. Do you need a passport to go to Canada…or can you say you that you really like hockey? Can you buy weed in Canada…or do they smoke pine needles or some shit?

Ok..ok.. I am just trying to get you ready for Canadian jokes… I love Canada….it’s like the US if you got rid of the guns and gave everybody healthcare (go ahead and complain about that joke…I’ll smash you)…

Ok.. I have to print like 6 million posters and ship them illegally to Canada (motherfucker publicity is publicity….just ask Vanessa Williams)….(yeah it was rude….you say that like I am going to bump into her or something)


Full steam ahead.

So where are we? Well we had the super-fabulous premiere with models and free alcohol. We had Z-cars and a line to get into the screening; it made a bit of a difference. Yeah, yeah I know you’re sitting there next to your 4ft saltlick and a case of hater-ade with nothing good to say to me (like that surprises me you bitter motherfuckers)…but I have news you can use (and no it ain’t a cookie recipe). Ok so quick quiz:

What is the major difference between holding your own premiere and going to a festival?
#1 - You are the only film showing and are the main focus of attention. Now if you aren’t an attention whore then you might want to change your occupation from filmmaker to a librarian or maybe a crossing guard. Ok I am trying to be funny (motherfucker I am funny….so you betta recognize). But seriously, at a festival there are tens if not hundreds of competing films…when you hold your own premiere it’s just you and the projectionist (and believe you me….he’s like the most important motherfucker in the world…do treat him right). The point here is that the premiere and the festival are both about exposure.

#2 - You get to take responsibility for everything that happens. So that means you kind of want to avoid setting a fire to get publicity…seems like a good idea at the time…but man..does the fire dept. get pissy (fuckin’ eh… it was just a small garbage fire).

#3 - You get to show the money people that you know how to market your film and put asses in the seats. Now listen to me…those asses in the seats need not be all of your drunken stoner friends who are going to carpet bomb the food trays and trade stories about their favorite porno’s. Unlike a film festival there is no coincidence factor; everything that the money people see is there because you paid for it (or lied). This is important because the bid at shooting and distributing the feature is (at this juncture) is less dependent on your artistic ability and more dependent on your ability to understand how films are advertised and released. Being an aloof director is fine…being an aloof director who knows what his target demographic is (dem-o-graphic…say it with me) much more valuable…because it show that you are thinking in the right direction (and that you know people other than your friends who live in mom’s basement and think the Sci-fi channel is money (ok, Battle Star Galatica is kinda cool but you are missing the point.)

#4 - You get a chance to see what you are in for. I mean I know all of you want to be famous. With people swinging off ya nuts and quoting your bad jokes and misinformation all over the Westside (I mean what really goes on in the valley?)…but listen to me…it’s like hella different when it’s happening for real. Ok so what do you want? I mean I want to control the world and make all of you my minions….uh, I mean I want to shoot features. What I am getting at is that if you have your own premiere you will have to give serious thought to what it is you actually want out of this…whereas as with a festival you can just attend and mingle.

#5 - Screenings beget screenings. Look all you have to do is tell motherfuckers that you had a huge ass screening with a grip of motherfuckers in attendance and they will be curious. Yes it is that easy…because films aren’t exhibited nearly as much as we think, so get to lyin’ and cheatin’ and stealin’ already!

So there is my two cents…and if you don’t like it… then go shoot your mini-dv action-horror-sci-fi-guerilla-domge ’95-had-to-be-made-storyboards are for bitches- opus and out-do me.

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