Q&A

Ok so if you have never done a Q& A (that’s a question and answer sessions for you newbee’s) they really suck in competition. I mean it’s not like directors can get along. What is a better recipe for disaster than a bunch of self conscious directors standing within a few feet of each other. They call us down one by one and well all pretend to be humble yet dominant as we crawl/strut to the front of the theater.

It immediately turns into a “well I got the inspirations when I had a near death experience while crossing the Himalayas”.. or better yet “it was when I was assisting George Lucas that I mastered that camera technique”. I’m fuckin’ serious dude, that is what it was like. Really boring and pretentious people, using every opportunity to talk about themselves.

Then the mic came to me. They all know who I am …and who Det. Budd is.. we have been gallivanting around for two days like we own the place. So we keep it short and are thankful.

Then the budget question comes up, and people are getting defensive about their budgets. Unless you have the most expensive film (like we did) and then you can say something elegant like “the $50K doesn’t really reflect the contributions and gifts that were given to us, we were happy to capture as pretty of an image with such constraints” – man did that kill them. A fear washes over the director crowd…because we are prepared for the Q&A we are not winging it up there (man I got hella money at stake).

And then the conversation switches to distribution. I am forced to listen to grandiose scheme after grandiose scheme about how they are all going to “get money”. I hear a few veiled shots at Sex-Love (Hater-ade will rot you teeth) as they try and out-do what they know will be the bomb answer….and then the mic comes to me.

I clear my throat and tell them that there are no plans for distribution, that we are forbidden from selling it because it was conceived and produced as an open source project and it technically property of Generation X. I tell them that it is there film and that they own it, and that they should never have to pay to see it (well unless it’s a bullshit film festival). My answer throws everyone for a loop. I feel that I have represent my company well and Generation X well. It would appear that when it really mattered we were the ones who had a higher purpose in mind…what a bunch of self righteous losers!



COOPRDOG

The first party

Ok so I wasn’t really diggin’ the opening night film because I hate romantic comedies (yes mommie is dying of cancer and the bank is foreclosing on the house…but let me tell you about this great man I met…he’s wonderful); but it got more than a few chuckles so, I guess this dude has some mojo. Anyway we start up the Z and make a ton of noise laying wheels and revving the engine as we rumble to the after party. We wave our film badges and we are in….ok this feels like a real festival party.

So we are mingling and what have you and trying to make friends. We talk to several filmmakers, many of which are religious shooters – and we need to talk about these people for a second. I mean I couldn’t give a fuck what you movie is about, I mean bowling alien zombies or ninja kittens…it’s all cool with me; but listen you evangelicals – if you want to make a movie you have to entertain, that’s job number one. If people wanted 120 min’s of religious rhetoric they’d go to church. Nothing is worse than a bad film with a blatantly religious message (repent or die!) I mean look, I’m not screening in churches and trying to convince people to smoke weed and fuck their best friends hot mom (yes mommies we fantasy about you all the time) – I think we need to establish some basic ground rules in respecting the art form…or is it just me.

1# You need a story… not something that appears to be a story but a real story and not a platform for breast cancer, child abduction or pharmaceutical prices.

2# I know you really like reality TV, but repositioning the camera in the middle of a shot is amateurish…if you think it’s ok, they you should be sending your screeners to Bob Sagat and not to festivals

3# Unless your name is Prince or George Clinton you aren’t talented enough to do your own music I.E. – what’s worse than a bad film, a bad film with uninspired Casio keyboard grooves and a shitty drum loop – c’mon people hire someone.

#4 If you are going to do a voiceover or narrate your own shit, you need to be able to read copy. Do you really think we like listening to your cinematic rendition of “how I spent my summer vacation” – shit I could be rolling a blunt instead of listening to your crap.

#5 We expect to see some bad acting, I mean it’s a festival. But bad acting is like Tequila – at a certain point it just get dangerous to consume more, someone is going to get hurt.

#6 No more gunshots and then quick cuts to black. This is not cable access in Wisconsin, how about doing a little blocking…for fuck sake!

Anyway, back to the party…..I have just met my first director. She’s a writer/director/editor/producer and she won’t look me in the eye. She pretends that she has never heard of my film…yeah whatever sister. I am a finalist in the short film category and so are you, I am quite sure you went to the sites of all the competing films to see what you competition was like, but I allow her to play dumb while we chat. She’s braggin’ on her film now, trying to impress me I think. This is laughable because I know I have the most expensive live action short in here….are you for real Missy? I had a 42 ft motor home and hot chicks packin’ bowls…not to mention a car stunt.. Anyway, little miss Attitude is now telling me that she spent $18K on her short. She looks right in my eyes when she says it, and I call tell by the pregnant pause that follows the statement, that she is used to shutting a lot of people up with that number. But this is Cali miss, this is LA. I blew $18K in my first three days. Shit I spent $7K just watching my car slide around turns (over and over and over…stunts are really not that fun).

I realize now that I am not nearly as arrogant as my competition. I throw her a bone and ask her how long she has been directing, she now acting like she’s on E-entertainment television or something. I mean not a single question in return, and they say I am arrogant. I want to get into the nitty gritty of directing…but she won’t take it there…guess I am not worthy….yeah well how about it I stuck a fat cock in your mouth? Would I be worthy then?....So I let her keep talkin’ before I return to the bar where Det. Budd is.

DETECTIVE BUDD
So, how was your chat

COOPRDOG
Did you know she’s about to end world hunger with her film

DETECTIVE BUDD
(Busts out laughing)..really?

COOPRDOG
Yeah either that or cure fuckin’ AIDS…she’s really doin’ things.

DETECTIVE BUDD
(Still laughing) I take it your conversation didn’t go well

COOPRDOG
Hey if I wanted to do I public service I would have shot a doc…. let’s go burn one.

…and we adjourned for the night. We screen tomm at 7 pm in one of the most competitive sections. Let’s see if we shake them up.

COOPRDOG

Opening Ceremonies

Ok so this is the kick off screening. There is a red carpet and lot’s of press. Man I am all about it. Me and Budd make our way over to the red carpet and decide to do a little mingling. Yeah well security is not having it. The biggest, blackest motherfucker I have ever seen is guarding the door (I mean do they grow this guys on the ugly motherfucker farm or what?) He stops us and we wave our filmmaker credentials. I mean I was under the impression that when you waved a filmmaker credential that men gave you money and women gave you their panties…but our credentials seem to be defective because this dude is less than happy to see us.

He tells us that we belong over there “in the line”… and then Budd went into action.

DETECTIVE BUDD
Well I figured since our collective $50 fees are paying for all this pomp and circumstance bullshit that we’d stand here and see just how exclusive the celebrities are that you are using our money to bribe.

The dude just walks away.

DETECTIVE BUDD
I’m sorry I thought this was a film festival.

So 30 min’s later and we have still seen no celebs…and I am smelling a rat.

Detective Budd informs me that he is holdin’ (my kind of detective) so we slip around the back to toke and get busted by a few filmmakers. It went down like this:

FADE IN TO EXT. PARKING LOT

Cooprdog and Detective Budd are hunched near the wall taking turns hittin’ the weed pipe.

Theodore, Winston and few other bougie’ motherfuckers round the corner and happen upon Cooprdog & Det. Budd.

THEODORE
Oh my

COOPRDOG
My bad yo..

DET. BUDD
Oh God, It’s dying… here let me give it mouth to mouth.

WINSTON
I mean really gentlemen

COOPRDOG
Hey, you're kinda of supposed to get high at a festival…that’s the point asshole!


…anyway Theo went to get security and we kinda made a run for it. A half hour later we came back and act like we didn’t know what the fuck people we talkin’ about…works every time…man I love LA.

Ok so we decide that we need to walk down the red carpet….but noooooo! We aren’t allowed. You see we are just measly filmmaker, you have to be a celebrity to walk the carpet. Speaking of which where are your fuckin’ celebrities?

This was the first bad omen….the first of several.

Ok so two hours later I didn’t see a single fuckin’ celebrity…and I was told that I had to wait till the VIP’s were seated till I could enter the theater….well fuck you very much! I thought they were all here to see our work?

So they do the whole opening ceremony thing and the jokes are bad and all I want to do is rip a big fart like high school…I mean I wish everyone would lighten the fuck up. We are not here to hear the president speak, we are here to see some films. Something tells me this festival is not going to turn out as I expect.

COOPRDOG

Check-in

Ok I don’t know why the fuck you have to check in once you have already been accepted to a festival…but we decide to play ball. No realize that this is my first festival with the great Yoda…she’s like a personal hit man in publicity situations. I can just sit back and be a stoner and let her run people at me…I mean that was the plan. Needless to say I had a few grand left in the bank, a hot short film and a kick-ass publicist…what could go wrong?

So the festival is being hosted by a certain hotel on La Cienega & San Vincente and let’s just say that the hotel in question is a little bit less than enamored to have to host this festival. And here we come, me and Madame Publicity. We burned one in the car on the way over and I got my crazy directors hat on and I am lookin’ for trouble. I am ready to rep west LA and roll a blunt to show’em how we get down on the Westside.

We get to the table and we are facing a rather larger woman. I mean this sister could send shrieks of fear and terror through the local all-you-can-eat restaurant, no really. So it’s 1-800- nastiness from the moment we get into the closet of a festival office that they are holed up in.

BIG WOMAN
…..yes

COOPRDOG
Hi. I am here to pick up my filmmaker credentials.

BIG WOMAN
Did you register?

COOPRDOG
I believe so. I mean you accepted my film and gave me a screening time.

BIG WOMAN
What’s your name

YODA
Dog, Cooper Dog.

So she begins to flip through this shoe box of stapled papers…I mean c’mon I have seen better organization on the girl scout cookie table…this is a festival in it’s 7th year.


BIG WOMAN
I don’t see your name.

COOPRDOG
Well does that mean that I am dead and no one told me

YODA
..what…Cooper means is in the event that we did not register, what should we do.

BIG WOMAN
You know, I don’t know if I have time for this. You filmmakers need to follow instructions.

Yeah ok…and you need to follow a strict diet regimen but you don’t hear me complaining. Anyway during this stand-off at the wanna be festival office, another filmmaker shows up. She a cute Latina chick, with a real short (that means there isn’t any cussin’ or weed references and that it aims to improve life on the planet – so of course I hate the bitch). Ha, they don’t have her shit either….well welcome to Fuck-you-in-the-ass-film-festival-’06!

Ok so me and Marina, or Lupe or whatever the fuck her name is (jesus…it’s comedy people) are having a make believe conversation about how interested we are in seeing each others film. I mean let’s get real, the chances of me going to see her 12 minute weepy are about as good as my giving up weed for life. And I like weed… I can’t stand her or her romantic bullshit…and she’s still talkin’ about how the film was inspired by true events. Really? You mean you don’t lead a fulfilling life with a man who loves you? You mean your daddies propensity for liquid excitement has had a lasting effect on your self esteem?… I never would have noticed!

It’s at this point that I wanted to take the biggest rip that is humanly possible and see if she would disappear as I killed a few million brain cells. Well before I could even load the bong Fatty-Boombalaty is speaking again. I mean at first I though she was ordering a pizza but then I realized that she was writing out the credentials by hand. Now you know you lead a sedentary lifestyle when you get winded writing out name tags; but that is not the funny part. The funny part is I can see the application that they are using and the font as well. Man I can make credentials way faster than you motherfuckers; but I keep that bit of info to myself and play along.

The give us our filmmakers bags full of advertisements from shitty cd duplication places and I think the read us our rights (You have the right to screen in an empty theater. You have the right to have all you promotional lost until minutes before you screen..)

So we walk out of there and Yoda is on one, she can’t believe how rude the staff is…and I am like “word”. Now if Yoda is gettin’ pissed then I know this is gonna be some shit. And lookee here…lookee here, here comes the festival director, let’s see if she says hi. Man, walks right by us, as if we were fuckin’ invisible or some shit. I’m sorry I thought I was a finalist? Where is all the ass kissing and the young girls who are willing to take it in the ass? Man people have really been lying about what goes on in festivals (and by people I mean Chris Gore). Man is it exciting to be broke and in fear of where your next meal is coming from…I think everyone should experience this!

COOPRDOG

The acceptance

So when you get accepted to a festival it’s like winning the lottery. I mean you walk around with big balls and practice your best film acceptance speech. For about 48hrs no one can say anything to you…and then reality sets in. I received the email and was like “yeah motherfuckers”. You see, this was a big festival and Sex-Love was a finalist (Sex, Love & Z-Parts is the title of my film)..we were about to rock the house.. and then you will never guess what happened; we got accepted to another festival…and this one was in Canada, and both these festivals are running back to back. That means 5 days here in Hollywood and then 6 in Toronto…talk about a schweet deal…it don’t get no better.

So I call Yoda and she is all about it, she is making preparations. Our plan is simple, blow up the Hollywood festival and then get ghost to Toronto on some “international pimp” – type shit (not that I endorse prostitution or pimping – but I understand it).

Ok so if you haven’t ever geared up for a festival or a large screening here is what it’s like. Everything has to be done yesterday, you don’t have enough minutes on your celli to call all the people who are fuckin’ shit up, you argue with your producing partner, you basically ignore you day job (not a wise move), your girlfriend will have a crisis that you will not be able to remedy because you can’t even figure out the time change on the east coast – let alone what you might be able to do to help her, your dog will shit on the floor repeatedly to let you know that you are fuckin’ shit up, and you will not be able to get any weed…

So it starts with the posters and the postcards. This is a requirement for every time you screen. Seems rather easy but you would be surprised how it turns into a logistical nightmare. I have been up Yoda’s ass for like days now, I need my fuckin’ posters. Now the last time we had posters printed by a certain Los Angeles printing house who fucked them up (On Demand I still fuckin’ hate you) I was hotter than Courtney Love when she runs out of smack. I was adamant that I would not get brown posters the day before my screening. So me and Yoda get online and try to find a deal.

So it’s nothing but cheap prices and fast turnarounds all their websites…yeah well that’s not how it goes down… but on to the story..

We are five days out from the first festival….and the emails keep coming. What is the fuckin’ deal? I mean I have weed to smoke and people to call up and brag to. If I am already accepted into the festival, why do you keep sending me shit? If I liked to read I have a real job…shit I forward everything to Yoda..and roll another blunt.

No realize that we are defending home court (unlike the Mav’s…Dirk, you know you owe me money) so we gots to blow the roof of the sucker (yes…it’s all about P-Funk). The theater holds 416 and what do you know… it’s one of the theaters that we were considering for our premiere…this out to be good.

Ok so here is the problem…this festival starts in a matter of days and we ain’t go no fuckin’ postcards. I am trying not to trip, trying not to talk about peoples momma’s…but motherfuckers is makin’ it hard. Furthermore the festival seems to not know what the fuck is going on…I’m sorry why did I think this would be money?

We have been led to believe that we are in a popular festival…the only problem is…we haven’t seen any advertising….I mean not a single poster. I mean would it kill you to run an ad on Craigslist… I mean fuck..I am trying to start a career here…but I remain optimistic as I attempt to find another weed hook up.


COOPRDOG

On Festival

Film festival fuckin’ suck! There I said it and all you pansy-ass, “please fund my feature”-types ain’t got the balls to speak on this topic. We’ll I am 2 for 85 on festival submissions so I feel safe in screamin’ on the fat bastards that spend your hard earned application fees. First of all, just because you like to watch movies doesn’t mean you are qualified to start a film festival. You need to know what the fuck constitutes a film and what the fuck is a bunch of drunk motherfuckers with a camcorder. Take the last festival I was in (let’s just say it was north of Detroit), I barely got into this festival, I mean I had to suck a fair amount of cock just to get into the main program, but whatever. Now here I am feeling strong, masculine and victorious because I didn’t take no for an answer. So I am sitting in a few of the screenings and I saw some shitty films, no I mean a few were just awful. Why is this? Is there a certain amount of slots kept available for shitty films in competition, just to let people know that filmmaking is hard? I mean there must be. The feature I watched was so bad that the narrative contained Lesbianism, domestic violence, cancer, sibling rivalry, Hiroshima and murder…and the screenwriter went 0-6 in doing any of these topics justice. I mean c’mon…how the fuck is this getting into festivals? Now don’t get me wrong, I smoke a lot of weed (no really)…and even when I am higher than Jesus on a bungee cord I couldn’t see programming that shit.

So how does this happen? Why is it that no matter how competitive the festival is, there are always a fair amount of stinkers? I’ll tell you why. Because they don’t give a fuck! Just admit that you spend all of our applications fees on coke and hookers and which ever film happens to be playing when the festival director busts a nut in the eye of hooker #5…gets in. Go ahead and laugh but at least my theory is plausible. Ahh…but I am getting’ ahead of myself, here is the shit that I am really pissed about and tell me if you concur.

1) $50 is a lot of cheddar: I mean c’mon half of these festival can’t even get real credentials. Shit my neighbor’s 8 yr old can make shitty credentials off of a laptop and a bubble jet, how about making it a “special experience”… I mean…how about actually giving a shit how professional your festival is. This goes for the tickets also. You think it’s funny print your tickets on construction paper? You think you are getting over…yeah well I am about to start a website called www.boguscredentials.com which is a subsidiary of www.fuckyourbullshitfestival.com. I mean I was at a festival where they went across the street and photocopied all the tickets right before handing them out at $8 a piece….could you at least learn to fake it a little better. Some of us are under the impression that we are starting a career (career of debt)…anyway…I’m putting the credential/ticket shit on notice….we see thru you.

2) Filmmakers are not a pain in the ass, they are the reason you are throwing a festival. This shot goes out to a certain black film festival that had literally no celebrities or money people; you owe us an apology. I mean I personally couldn’t give a fuck, I live here in LA. All the money I wasted on your sorry asses I would have smoked by the end of the weekend anyway…so I am not that upset. But you had a lot of people fly in expecting the illusion that you promised them with your incessant emails and website. Where was all the shit that was promised? Why not just call it a birthday party and we could have all brought you presents and broke the fuck out at the end of the first day. You are supposed to like us, and understand us…and understanding filmmakers means that they don’t always read their emails or stand in the right line…so be prepared and stop yelling at them…oh yeah… and the big girl at the registration, yeah.. you know the nasty one…either feed her before her shift or keep her chained to the wall, but her snapping at filmmakers because she wasn’t informed by her own tired-ass boss is unacceptable.

3) Parking: Hey Mr. festival director, where the fuck is everyone supposed to park? If it costs the audience $7-$10 to park before buying a $10 screening ticket….are you really surprised that your turnout is so low. I mean I hate Hollywood film, but if I am gonna go down $20 before my ass even touches a seat, I better see explosions and naked models….you are part of the problem…stop gouging the audience...asshole!

4) $10 to see a festival section; are you fucking serious? Howthefuck am I supposed to get people to pay $10 a head when I as a filmmaker know that much of what will be screened is shit? Lower your prices, $5 is the most anyone will pay to see films at your no-name festival. We know you didn’t blow the $50K on the theater rental…so how about subsidizing the tickets!

5) You must promote. Yeah I know all you festival directors like “viral marketing” which really means “I have a website if they want to find me they will look for me”. Ok this is my biggest beef. You must promote the festival! You must bring large crowds to the festival; not the filmmakers. It’s our job to divert the massive amounts of people cruising the streets into our particular screenings, not to bring people to the festival. You guys are really bad at this. You have to print posters, thousands of them; you have to run ad’s in the local papers, you have to get the local media involved, and the film schools, you have to offer senior discounts and student discounts. What I am driving at is you have to create a festival environment. Now I know that all those activities cut into your profit margin (I mean that’s why they really throw festivals right).. but you have a fiduciary responsibility to do this (look it up Poindexter). And while I am on the topic, hang the fuckin’ onesheets as soon as you get them, I didn’t ship it over night to another country so it could get hung whenever….how about helpin’ a brother out…fuck!

COOPRDOG

The site

So we finally have a website for those of you that haven’t been paying attention. This was the most frustrating experience I have had in quite some time. I mean first of all I see thru all of you web designers and I am here today to tell you that you officially suck! I went through six of these guys in 2 months, all making promises that they could balance a Caddie on their dicks or bring Jimi back from the dead or whatever the fuck is on their wanna-be website (if you have a shitty website, why would I hire you to build mine?) Ok first things first; it’s not that tough to build the site, I mean you guys act like you have to commute or something. I know you all work at home in your underwear and have extensive porno collections (not that I don’t work at home or collect porn – but I do get back to people…you fucktards!)…so stop acting like you are so busy. It’s a yes or no answer and if you have to go ask someone about the price, then your company is too large for me.

Anyway, my boy did the site and no he ain’t takin’ no more application so you can start hatin’ now, you jealous motherfuckers! Ok here is the addy www.sexloveandzparts.com. The site is bomb. It’s got mad beats for that ass…and plenty o media…including two, count ‘em, two trailers to advertise the film. Most of you have seen these things, if not… go and take a peek at what I do in my spare time..

My Bad

Ok…ok…ok…I’m sorry for my absence. But I am a filmmaker and one of my responsibilities is to attend all the festivals that we are accepted into. We just finished two in a row (not nearly as much fun as it sounds) and it was a little…uh, what’s the word – POLITICAL. So I kinda had to watch what I said and blasting the festival staff while I am attending their festival is not the smartest move – even for cinema revolutionaries like myself.

You will be happy to know that I am even more pissed and more jaded (if that is possible) than when I left and I promise you nothing but great insight and endless marijuana laced commentary as I tell you what you missed. But it’s not all fun and games, I have some serious shit to talk about because the festival circuit is getting’ over, big-time and it’s about time that someone talked about it. And as for the rest of you so-called filmmakers who are attending tons of festivals and not complaining…you need to. People are being lied to and taken advantage of – this needs to end. But enough of the Public Service bullshit…I know why you read this blog…

Oh yeah… and to Mr. Anonymous that complained that I am not posting frequently enough, I hear you. I realize that sometimes I can go 15-30 days without a post. For that I do apologize and I am trying to get an issue or two ahead of the actual publishing so that there aren’t many lags. But the real issues is quality, and I won’t post it if it ain’t the bomb…so I have been holding back. But due to comments such as yours, I will increase the posting frequency. Ok..here we go:


COOPRDOG